coming of age

wishing for summer

question: why do all coming of age stories happen in the summer?
because the summer means freedom.
the summer means to roam.
the summer means to stay up late, in the hot living room sitting in your floral chair next to your husband in his recliner.
the summer means letting the windows open up and fill the house with the smell of honeysuckle.
the summer means damp, late evenings.
in the summer you don't have to have a reason for anything; you just do.

so in the middle of november, the season where my heart normally lies, i am aching for this summer.
chasing each other around the house.
laughing.
drinking.
eating. oh eating.
riding bikes.
the simple joy of discovering a new home.
so many discoveries.

this summer of my life was so sweet.
and tonight, with the sound of the fan at the end of my bed, i've been reminded of it's flavor.

overwhelming

love.
joy.
passion.
acts of kindness.
beauty.


these describe the past couple weeks of my life. so intense, so full, so busy.
but so overwhelmingly wonderful.
my best friend has become my husband. (teach me to learn so much deeper what this means).
i got to spend a week surrounded by amazing people. literally, just being cocooned with so much love, kind of stops you in your tracks.
i can't find the words to express my gratitude for my family, the pride i have for them.
some of my dearest friends, upon meeting my family, told me how impressed they work, how blown away they were. this makes my heart swell with pride.
i have a family who loves well, who serves well, who gives selflessly. and people were impressed by that.

i have friends who, without their help, this whole wedding would never have come together so perfectly and graciously.
friends who saves the day on many accounts. people who's faces are alight with sheer beauty, a vibrancy that spills the secret of their passion, their joy.
i'm overwhelmed by the amount of people who made a point of being here, not only to see us, and rejoice with us but to help us.
the past week in the seavey house was a week reminiscent of heaven, filled with people from all places and all lifestyles, converging in one home, literally lighting the room with their presence.
it reminds me of this lighthouse i saw in savannah. they say the light can be seen from 24 miles at sea.
i think of the sailors, coming home from a long, burdensome journey, spotting the light. it beckons them, calling them home, calling them to a place where their burdens don't weigh quite as much.
this is what the seavey home looked like for a week.
a light, shinning for miles and miles, drawing all whole come near to drink deep and be filled with the love of Christ, their common source.

oh my goodness, how blessed i am.
how overwhelmed i am.
how undeserving i am of so much love and compassion.
to witness this event, the week leading up to the marriage, and then the wedding itself, to take part of it was one of the most amazing gifts i've been given.
my Father loves me.
my family loves me.
my friends love me.
my husband loves me.

Praise Him from whom all blessings flow
Praise Him creatures here below
Praise Him above ye heavenly hosts
Praise Him Father, Son and Holy Ghost

feelings

i think i need a break
or a change
or just something

i feel solemn today
and it's hard being confronted by two people asking if something is wrong by the look on my face
and granted, i just started taking birth control, so maybe that is affecting me and i don't even realize it
and i've been listening to deeply emotional 90's hits, which could have an effect as well

today is one of those days where i just want to make sure i am who i am, you know?
that feeling, you just want to be with that person you can just be yourself with
and the thought of being with someone that would take effort weighs you down


and maybe there is just a lot on my mind. but maybe there isn't
i'm incredibly indecisive about how i'm feeling today
i just want to sit, perhaps in colorado, perhaps next to my dad, perhaps next to penny
to just sit and be me
possibly be just a little too emotional, a little over dramatic
possibly just give out one of those screams that they do in movies at the height of the conflict
but not for any reason
sometimes it just feels good to feel
so maybe today i just want to feel
i want to check out and feel by myself because i have friends who would tell me i don't need to feel cause nothing is going on that makes me need to feel
so maybe i'll go rent one of those movies about grief and feel really deep

sorry i'm such a poo today

maybe it will get better

this is my blog

and because of that i'm going to treat it like so.
dictionary.com says a blog is "a web site containing the writer's or group of writers' own experiences, observations, opinions, etc"

judging by that, i have the freedom to express myself, and i'm going to.
right now, i guess you could say i'm fed up, though i'm not sure of what.
maybe it's a mixture of things.
yeah, it's a mixture of things.
i'm sitting outside, where it's beautiful. i'm so glad i'm out here, i'm so glad i have this bench to sit on.
but there is a siren going off right down the road, and it just stopped somewhere near the house. 
this bothers me, because that means something bad is happening somewhere, and don't you ever just get to the point where you can't take any more bad things?


also, there's...well, this is the tough one to talk about. but perhaps this is the one that's getting at me the most.
i love God. i have a relationship with him, and it's great.
i'm just so sick of christianity right now.
i'm so sick of the radio and the songs they play (and i haven't even been listening!)
i'm so sick of southern christianity which has so much more to do with appearances and teaching your children how to follow rules and obey you than about being intimate with the living God.
i'm so sick of people talking one way, and acting another. 
i'm sick of feeling like i'm not good enough, not doing enough.
not listening to enough worship music.
not tithing enough.
not reading my bible enough.
not going to church enough.
not doing enough ministry.
not saying "praise God" enough.
or making a point of bringing every conversation i have back to him.


the thing is that i have this little problem, where i care what people think.
or i care what i assume people think.
they probably aren't even thinking it.
but it still bothers me.


i am me.
i am myself.
just me.
and i want to know that that's enough.
i wish i were surrounded by more people who see things the way i do, because it's discouraging.
am i not christiany enough to call myself a christian?
well good. i don't want to be. i don't want it to be about what i call myself.
i don't want it to be about these outward, physical appearances.
oh my gosh, is she drinking a beer?
did that song just say the f word?
is that tattoo real?
did she just go into the bar with those guys?
the primary concern in my commitment to Christ isn't to live a pleasing life.
is that wrong?
i don't think so.
my primary concern is to know him. for us to know each other.
yeah sure, my life is supposed to be transformed, but do you think that comes from decisions we make?
do i make myself good?
do i read the bible and analyze, saying "what can i get out of this to make myself better?"
no.
i'm sick of that.
i want to read the bible to know him
i want to live my every day life out of knowing him.
not of figuring how to better myself.
how to disassociate myself with the world.
"can't be seen in there any more. might mess with my reputation"
why are we as christians so worried about looking so dang perfect all the time?
i really urge you to talk to your non-christian friends.
you'll find out that want to see sincerity. 
sometimes i worry that my opinions are just totally off, and that i don't know God well enough. 
i know some people might argue that i don't. 
it just seems to strange that so little people are asking all these questions.
or maybe we're scared to ask them.
maybe we're scared to doubt the system.
screw the system!

today i was talking with my father in law, and it was great. he was telling me about something that happened to him today, and it made me realize something.


see, at least in evangelical america, we want results. this country very much depends on progress. we do things, expecting that they eventually will end when they've come to their full purpose: movies, tv shows, surgeries, housework, bible studies, counseling sessions, jobs, marriages. 
just so that we can move on to the next thing.
if there isn't an end in sight, we get scared.
so what if God is asking us to commit to something, and he's not going to show you results, he won't show you the progress chart?
what if he doesn't care about what doing those things get you?
what if he has given us this life, primarily so we can know him?
and knowing him has no results, no progress to speak for it, no end in sight. 
knowing him is just knowing him.
knowing him, for the sake of knowing him.
and being known.


is this not the purpose of marriage?
the closer i get, the more i began thinking "okay, what's going to be our ministry? we have to come up with something. we have to have a goal. we have to have an end in sight, so we can judge ourselves and see if we're coming close."

it hit me the other day that from the day i get married, ben is my ministry. he is the most important ministry i have. my commitment to him, my daily sacrifice is my primary ministry. i am entrusted with his heart. and this ministry is not in any way less important than helping the homeless and hungry. this is what God has entrusted me with.


but then i thought, if he is my ministry when i get married, why isn't he now?
these are incredible thoughts to pass through the mind of a girl who grew up believing there was only room in her heart of either God or a man.
it was like...the love in a commitment between a man and woman wasn't worthy of any respect. like it wasn't godly enough.
God allows it, but it's merely permissible. "all things are permissible, not all are beneficial."
like my commitment to ben was this earthly desire.


yet the commitment of a man and a woman laying themselves down for each other is one of the most holy relationships God has given us, as a model of his commitment to us. 


so maybe someday, ben and i will find some ministry that we love and are commitment to. but none will ever be as important that my daily commitment to him. 


i think this is why even so many christian marriages end: believing that their purpose is to come from outside the marriage. 
if God has called you to marriage, it's not something to take lightly. 
this doesn't mean i don't desire other ministry. in fact, i have the desire for so many.
but i can't let those get in the way of seeing what has been placed in front of me every day.
this is a beautiful relationship, but incredibly challenging.
and the commitment to serve and sacrifice in the midst of that brings about an incredible spiritual growth in action that i believe is more powerful often times that reading the bible for 10 minutes a day.


love in action.


so tell me, if you think i'm wrong.
i've made a point in educating myself and asking questions. so maybe i've got it all wrong. or maybe God really has revealed this to me because it's actually truth.

i'm back, but i can't guarantee for how long

dear mr. blog:
i don't hate you
it's crazy to think about how much time we've spent apart lately.
i miss the good ole days in colorado where i had free time just around every corner (as well as a wet little doggie nose for my constant companion)
life lately...i can't sum it up in words. maybe that's why i've been avoiding you.
i feel like i haven't taken time lately to just...be me.
to just sit and enjoy living.
don't get me wrong. i love the life i live and i'm enjoying it.
but it's like the days aren't long enough.
and i have all these responsibilities.
as soon as one is through with, there pops up another.
and i don't want to be responsible.
i just want to be selfish and live life for me all suck all the marrow out of it.
that's really what i want.
bu that's not what's been asked of me.
i told ben last night that i enjoy having this purpose every day, that i am responsible to another person. it keeps me in check. i can't just live life selfishly.
but i miss it.
let's think about it. in colorado, i loved it. i was responsible to no one (except my dogs i fostered).
i could go where i wanted, dependent on no one else.
i seem to have lost that here.
and i don't think that's a bad thing. it's probably a good thing, because in two and a half months from now, for the rest of my life, no matter what happens, i am no longer just myself.
i am half of a couple.
more so than i am now.
and that means, i have to give up being selfish.
but i miss it so much.
driving where i want to go because i want to.
eating schauss and sipping coffee and reading lord of the rings all afternoon, just because i want to.
talking to anyone, making friends anywhere, just because i love to.
spending the afternoons with penny in the car, bonking her head every time i take a turn :)
(maybe that's why she is ditzy)
my sister told me that one of the awesome things about marriage is because you realize you are selfish in ways you never knew, and you can address them.
it's like this mirror that shows you what you need to work on.
but this mirror loves you and accepts you even though you aren't what you might want to be just yet.
man it's crazy...to realize what this marriage really is going to be.
God is calling me to something so much greater than myself.
i don't even have to overspiritualize things to realize that my primary commitment, service and sacrifice is to ben.
as a kid who grew up believing it was impossible to love God and a man at the same time, this makes itself a beautiful revelation.
the task God has called me to is the primary care of a man. of a man who loves me. of a man who understands me. of a man who knows me. of a man who presses my buttons just because he likes to see me get angry. of a man who i respect.

and he trusts me with his heart.
man.
this is an incredible responsibility. and guess what? i'll probably screw it up a little bit.
but you know what's wonderful?
he's not expecting me to do it perfectly.
ben trusts me with his heart, knowing i won't always go easy.
he gives it to me, even though he knows i'm going to hurt him.
he still gives it to me.
man, it's like...Jesus chose to give himself up, he entrusted his heart to people he knew would never accept him. He gave himself up, totally vulnerable in front of a world full of people who would reject it.
i don't believe he stood there self-righteously, snickering "well, fine then. i shake my feet of your dust, and i'll watch you cough on it"

o, no. he gave it all though he knew we would break it up, toss it around, let it slip, temporarily let go, purposefully crush it.

man...i'm so glad that i'm love by a man and a God, the love from both is the same love, expressed directly, and indirectly, all coming from the same place.

cindy

anne shirley talks about people as kindred spirits.
cindy and i are kindred spirits.

she is the kind of friend who calls me over for breakfast at 9am, and i leave her house at 6:30...pm
she is the kind of friend who knows me so well, that when i show up, she's made an effort to create something delectable, to awaken my tastebuds
she is the kind of friend who can't make up her mind about anything...just like me (this is possibly part of the reason why i can't spend just an hour with her. she's like a potato chip. you can't have just one hour with her)
she is the kind of friend that doesn't have to clean her house when i come over
she is the kind of friend that doesn't have to clean her verbal expressions when i come over :)
she is the kind of friend that doesn't have to clean her emotional mess when i come over
she is just herself, totally cindy with me. and it's wonderful

we watch movies together and laugh like crazy
we eat dinner together...and laugh like crazy
we drink tea together and cry like babies
her tender heart is so beautiful
if you don't know cindy, you should get to know her
she is well worth the effort
and she'll make you feel like you are just as awesome as you feel she is :)

ahhhhhhhh

the still sweet glories of an empty home

just me, devotchka and a delicious breakfast burrito for lunch
i breath a long draught of quiet air into my lungs and think "my what a lovely time, what a lovely day"
and just like that, in the precious moments i've managed to preserve for myself, i remember the most natural expression of myself: joy.

it's incredible what can happen within a person in 4 weeks. it's absolutely impossible for me to express it to you. (maybe that's why i've been avoiding this meeting)

healing. love, over love, over love, over love. i believe colorado was about love. a word, which in this case, is interchangeable with "intimacy".

at church this morning, sitting next to an old friend made new, it's like i was looking at God's heart, opened like a book before me. pointing out how every friend, every interaction, every long drive with penny through garden of the dogs, every meal shared over laughing tongues with cindy, every dish washed in my sister's sink, every pee stain on my boots from romeo's excitement, every cup of coffee taken at la baguette, every hike with my dad, every joke with my mom, every stillness with anna, every excruciating detail with olivia, every religion spoken of, every shared baked goods with shauna and lisa, every exchange of fresh air with scott and nadia...
it was all his love. over love. over love. over love.
and my, He is a good lover isn't He?

i realized this morning what i've craved more than anything since i've returned to north carolina.
i miss the company of people who don't check the "christian" box on a resume.
i crave the friendships, the intimacies, the depth of our relationships.

my heart has never felt more alive then when surrounded by those people. today, love over love over love.
i realized something. the intense, passionate exuberance that stirs deep within me when i'm surrounded by the "lost" people of this world is the same passion God feels for them. and i crave to share that love. it's hard to keep that love bottled up inside.
it's like this morning i realized this gift: my sensitive heart.
okay wait...this sarah hankins, miss hypersensitive, miss overly fragile, miss scared of emotional wounds, is saying that this sensitive heart is a gift?
yes.
for the first time in my entire life, i realize that yes, there is a reason i've been given such a gift.
God desires to pour out his love for those who've been wounded by His name, and He desires to do it through me.
the deeper i sense the love i have for them, the deeper his love is. layer after layer is pealed back, revealing a greater intimacy, a greater longing.
i feel so alive loving. i've been created, if only for this one purpose, to love. to love those that a lot of people have a hard time loving.
He's given me the gift, that it comes naturally. and maybe it hasn't always been this way. maybe as i grew deeper in intimacy with Him, He developed that part of my heart further.

maybe, looking back now, my time in colorado, learning love over love over love over love He poured out on it, it was all stretching my heart in order to pour out love over love over love of His on His wounded kids.

veanez told me the other day that she craves, she longs for the deep times spent in the seavey home.
my heart craves, longs, yearns for, relationship with these people

the more i realize how deep His love goes for them, the more i realize how deep His love is for me.
oh man!

and again, a sigh.
my back is warm against the couch cushions. my left hand sparkles blue with one of my small tokens of the symbols of His love. little birdies flit through the trees in the backyard. cindy, this moment right now, the quietness, the soaking it all in. this is how you teach me about the Holy Spirit.

and a quick tingle comes over my body, and another. and i don't want to move from this spot. because tomorrow morning, the clutter of my humanness will get in the way of this moment. afraid to move, afraid someone will step inside and break the stillness of the moment.

c.s. lewis talks about being surprised by joy. the deeper i go, the farther i press on, the more i endure, the longer my moments of joy last. this might be my longest yet.

and just when you think you understand some facet of the folds of Him, you're struck dumb, wrapped up in an even deeper layer you never knew existed.
at first you think, 'why didn't you give me time to prepare?'

and then it doesn't matter. because being unprepared is what makes it so overwhelming
and all that's missing in this moment is a little nudge in the armpit from penny's cold wet nose, asking for a hug

i've been avoiding this for a while

and the countdown begins tomorrow morning: one week until i leave
so how do you address something like this?
ben says i'm allowed to be sad, that it's legitimate
but there is this part of me that doesn't want to be sad. a part of me that wants to ignore the fact that i'm leaving. so it's not that i'm not sad because i'm going home. how do i explain this, without hurting anyone?
i love my friends in waxhaw. i'm going to be happy to see them, and so happy to have them around. but it's going to take about a week.
see...ben says i need to let people know i'm happy to see them when i come back. but how do i do that, when i've just left a huge part of my life?
talk to anyone who's ever left their home and friends and done something significant in their life. it's impossible to explain to the people you are returning to.

i said it like this today to my friend: remember the way it felt when i first left? remember how hard it was, because you felt the lack of me and i felt the lack of you? well that's how i feel now. the presence of you is great, but i'm feeling the lack of those i left behind.
granted, in a week or so it will be alright, i'll get settled in anew, and i'll do a 180 and you'll never know i was gone.
but it's like...i need to mourn the loss of my life here. no one else is going to do it, so i need to.
if i don't mourn it, it's like it never happened, or it didn't mean anything to me.
but see, now i'm in this strange place. i'm not even crying right now writing this.
it's like, how can i cry when i feel so much joy?
i just spent the morning reading and thinking, the afternoon planning out my road trip with my mom, the evening hugging my dog, talking to my neighbor, and watching billy elliot with my sister.
if i could call anything a satisfying, fulfilled day, today would be it.
i walked down the stairs of her house, slipped my feet into her snow boots, and walked out the door as this rush of satisfaction flowed over me.
i've never felt this peaceful before a huge change before.
today was a little taste of what heaven's going to be like, i know it.
no, i didn't spend all day walking down streets of gold, and i didn't spend all day throwing my crown down.
i spent the day soaking up God's presence through books, through aslan, through lilia, through my mom, through my dog, through my neighbor, through my sister.
a day, so simple and eventless, yet my cup overflows.

how can i mourn at a time like this?
maybe tomorrow it will all change and the tears will be released and i'll take one look at my dog and think how will i live life without her? and take one look at my dad and think how will i make it without him, walking around the house?
but for now, i'm just so happy to be alive.
i'm just so happy to be my father's daughter and to be just like him.
i'm so happy to finally be friends with my sister.
i'm so happy to be myself.
i'm so happy that no matter what happens, what changes, what stupid things i do, ben still likes me and he's still there, on the other end of a phone call.
i'm so happy to be sitting on the couch with my dog at my feet, with her collar off in all of her glory, exuding heat from her little ears and toes and breathing so peacefully that it's impossible to feel any anxiety.

now i'm not ready to leave...but maybe this is a part of the closure i've been praying for?