coming of age

wishing for summer

question: why do all coming of age stories happen in the summer?
because the summer means freedom.
the summer means to roam.
the summer means to stay up late, in the hot living room sitting in your floral chair next to your husband in his recliner.
the summer means letting the windows open up and fill the house with the smell of honeysuckle.
the summer means damp, late evenings.
in the summer you don't have to have a reason for anything; you just do.

so in the middle of november, the season where my heart normally lies, i am aching for this summer.
chasing each other around the house.
laughing.
drinking.
eating. oh eating.
riding bikes.
the simple joy of discovering a new home.
so many discoveries.

this summer of my life was so sweet.
and tonight, with the sound of the fan at the end of my bed, i've been reminded of it's flavor.

overwhelming

love.
joy.
passion.
acts of kindness.
beauty.


these describe the past couple weeks of my life. so intense, so full, so busy.
but so overwhelmingly wonderful.
my best friend has become my husband. (teach me to learn so much deeper what this means).
i got to spend a week surrounded by amazing people. literally, just being cocooned with so much love, kind of stops you in your tracks.
i can't find the words to express my gratitude for my family, the pride i have for them.
some of my dearest friends, upon meeting my family, told me how impressed they work, how blown away they were. this makes my heart swell with pride.
i have a family who loves well, who serves well, who gives selflessly. and people were impressed by that.

i have friends who, without their help, this whole wedding would never have come together so perfectly and graciously.
friends who saves the day on many accounts. people who's faces are alight with sheer beauty, a vibrancy that spills the secret of their passion, their joy.
i'm overwhelmed by the amount of people who made a point of being here, not only to see us, and rejoice with us but to help us.
the past week in the seavey house was a week reminiscent of heaven, filled with people from all places and all lifestyles, converging in one home, literally lighting the room with their presence.
it reminds me of this lighthouse i saw in savannah. they say the light can be seen from 24 miles at sea.
i think of the sailors, coming home from a long, burdensome journey, spotting the light. it beckons them, calling them home, calling them to a place where their burdens don't weigh quite as much.
this is what the seavey home looked like for a week.
a light, shinning for miles and miles, drawing all whole come near to drink deep and be filled with the love of Christ, their common source.

oh my goodness, how blessed i am.
how overwhelmed i am.
how undeserving i am of so much love and compassion.
to witness this event, the week leading up to the marriage, and then the wedding itself, to take part of it was one of the most amazing gifts i've been given.
my Father loves me.
my family loves me.
my friends love me.
my husband loves me.

Praise Him from whom all blessings flow
Praise Him creatures here below
Praise Him above ye heavenly hosts
Praise Him Father, Son and Holy Ghost

feelings

i think i need a break
or a change
or just something

i feel solemn today
and it's hard being confronted by two people asking if something is wrong by the look on my face
and granted, i just started taking birth control, so maybe that is affecting me and i don't even realize it
and i've been listening to deeply emotional 90's hits, which could have an effect as well

today is one of those days where i just want to make sure i am who i am, you know?
that feeling, you just want to be with that person you can just be yourself with
and the thought of being with someone that would take effort weighs you down


and maybe there is just a lot on my mind. but maybe there isn't
i'm incredibly indecisive about how i'm feeling today
i just want to sit, perhaps in colorado, perhaps next to my dad, perhaps next to penny
to just sit and be me
possibly be just a little too emotional, a little over dramatic
possibly just give out one of those screams that they do in movies at the height of the conflict
but not for any reason
sometimes it just feels good to feel
so maybe today i just want to feel
i want to check out and feel by myself because i have friends who would tell me i don't need to feel cause nothing is going on that makes me need to feel
so maybe i'll go rent one of those movies about grief and feel really deep

sorry i'm such a poo today

maybe it will get better

this is my blog

and because of that i'm going to treat it like so.
dictionary.com says a blog is "a web site containing the writer's or group of writers' own experiences, observations, opinions, etc"

judging by that, i have the freedom to express myself, and i'm going to.
right now, i guess you could say i'm fed up, though i'm not sure of what.
maybe it's a mixture of things.
yeah, it's a mixture of things.
i'm sitting outside, where it's beautiful. i'm so glad i'm out here, i'm so glad i have this bench to sit on.
but there is a siren going off right down the road, and it just stopped somewhere near the house. 
this bothers me, because that means something bad is happening somewhere, and don't you ever just get to the point where you can't take any more bad things?


also, there's...well, this is the tough one to talk about. but perhaps this is the one that's getting at me the most.
i love God. i have a relationship with him, and it's great.
i'm just so sick of christianity right now.
i'm so sick of the radio and the songs they play (and i haven't even been listening!)
i'm so sick of southern christianity which has so much more to do with appearances and teaching your children how to follow rules and obey you than about being intimate with the living God.
i'm so sick of people talking one way, and acting another. 
i'm sick of feeling like i'm not good enough, not doing enough.
not listening to enough worship music.
not tithing enough.
not reading my bible enough.
not going to church enough.
not doing enough ministry.
not saying "praise God" enough.
or making a point of bringing every conversation i have back to him.


the thing is that i have this little problem, where i care what people think.
or i care what i assume people think.
they probably aren't even thinking it.
but it still bothers me.


i am me.
i am myself.
just me.
and i want to know that that's enough.
i wish i were surrounded by more people who see things the way i do, because it's discouraging.
am i not christiany enough to call myself a christian?
well good. i don't want to be. i don't want it to be about what i call myself.
i don't want it to be about these outward, physical appearances.
oh my gosh, is she drinking a beer?
did that song just say the f word?
is that tattoo real?
did she just go into the bar with those guys?
the primary concern in my commitment to Christ isn't to live a pleasing life.
is that wrong?
i don't think so.
my primary concern is to know him. for us to know each other.
yeah sure, my life is supposed to be transformed, but do you think that comes from decisions we make?
do i make myself good?
do i read the bible and analyze, saying "what can i get out of this to make myself better?"
no.
i'm sick of that.
i want to read the bible to know him
i want to live my every day life out of knowing him.
not of figuring how to better myself.
how to disassociate myself with the world.
"can't be seen in there any more. might mess with my reputation"
why are we as christians so worried about looking so dang perfect all the time?
i really urge you to talk to your non-christian friends.
you'll find out that want to see sincerity. 
sometimes i worry that my opinions are just totally off, and that i don't know God well enough. 
i know some people might argue that i don't. 
it just seems to strange that so little people are asking all these questions.
or maybe we're scared to ask them.
maybe we're scared to doubt the system.
screw the system!

today i was talking with my father in law, and it was great. he was telling me about something that happened to him today, and it made me realize something.


see, at least in evangelical america, we want results. this country very much depends on progress. we do things, expecting that they eventually will end when they've come to their full purpose: movies, tv shows, surgeries, housework, bible studies, counseling sessions, jobs, marriages. 
just so that we can move on to the next thing.
if there isn't an end in sight, we get scared.
so what if God is asking us to commit to something, and he's not going to show you results, he won't show you the progress chart?
what if he doesn't care about what doing those things get you?
what if he has given us this life, primarily so we can know him?
and knowing him has no results, no progress to speak for it, no end in sight. 
knowing him is just knowing him.
knowing him, for the sake of knowing him.
and being known.


is this not the purpose of marriage?
the closer i get, the more i began thinking "okay, what's going to be our ministry? we have to come up with something. we have to have a goal. we have to have an end in sight, so we can judge ourselves and see if we're coming close."

it hit me the other day that from the day i get married, ben is my ministry. he is the most important ministry i have. my commitment to him, my daily sacrifice is my primary ministry. i am entrusted with his heart. and this ministry is not in any way less important than helping the homeless and hungry. this is what God has entrusted me with.


but then i thought, if he is my ministry when i get married, why isn't he now?
these are incredible thoughts to pass through the mind of a girl who grew up believing there was only room in her heart of either God or a man.
it was like...the love in a commitment between a man and woman wasn't worthy of any respect. like it wasn't godly enough.
God allows it, but it's merely permissible. "all things are permissible, not all are beneficial."
like my commitment to ben was this earthly desire.


yet the commitment of a man and a woman laying themselves down for each other is one of the most holy relationships God has given us, as a model of his commitment to us. 


so maybe someday, ben and i will find some ministry that we love and are commitment to. but none will ever be as important that my daily commitment to him. 


i think this is why even so many christian marriages end: believing that their purpose is to come from outside the marriage. 
if God has called you to marriage, it's not something to take lightly. 
this doesn't mean i don't desire other ministry. in fact, i have the desire for so many.
but i can't let those get in the way of seeing what has been placed in front of me every day.
this is a beautiful relationship, but incredibly challenging.
and the commitment to serve and sacrifice in the midst of that brings about an incredible spiritual growth in action that i believe is more powerful often times that reading the bible for 10 minutes a day.


love in action.


so tell me, if you think i'm wrong.
i've made a point in educating myself and asking questions. so maybe i've got it all wrong. or maybe God really has revealed this to me because it's actually truth.

i'm back, but i can't guarantee for how long

dear mr. blog:
i don't hate you
it's crazy to think about how much time we've spent apart lately.
i miss the good ole days in colorado where i had free time just around every corner (as well as a wet little doggie nose for my constant companion)
life lately...i can't sum it up in words. maybe that's why i've been avoiding you.
i feel like i haven't taken time lately to just...be me.
to just sit and enjoy living.
don't get me wrong. i love the life i live and i'm enjoying it.
but it's like the days aren't long enough.
and i have all these responsibilities.
as soon as one is through with, there pops up another.
and i don't want to be responsible.
i just want to be selfish and live life for me all suck all the marrow out of it.
that's really what i want.
bu that's not what's been asked of me.
i told ben last night that i enjoy having this purpose every day, that i am responsible to another person. it keeps me in check. i can't just live life selfishly.
but i miss it.
let's think about it. in colorado, i loved it. i was responsible to no one (except my dogs i fostered).
i could go where i wanted, dependent on no one else.
i seem to have lost that here.
and i don't think that's a bad thing. it's probably a good thing, because in two and a half months from now, for the rest of my life, no matter what happens, i am no longer just myself.
i am half of a couple.
more so than i am now.
and that means, i have to give up being selfish.
but i miss it so much.
driving where i want to go because i want to.
eating schauss and sipping coffee and reading lord of the rings all afternoon, just because i want to.
talking to anyone, making friends anywhere, just because i love to.
spending the afternoons with penny in the car, bonking her head every time i take a turn :)
(maybe that's why she is ditzy)
my sister told me that one of the awesome things about marriage is because you realize you are selfish in ways you never knew, and you can address them.
it's like this mirror that shows you what you need to work on.
but this mirror loves you and accepts you even though you aren't what you might want to be just yet.
man it's crazy...to realize what this marriage really is going to be.
God is calling me to something so much greater than myself.
i don't even have to overspiritualize things to realize that my primary commitment, service and sacrifice is to ben.
as a kid who grew up believing it was impossible to love God and a man at the same time, this makes itself a beautiful revelation.
the task God has called me to is the primary care of a man. of a man who loves me. of a man who understands me. of a man who knows me. of a man who presses my buttons just because he likes to see me get angry. of a man who i respect.

and he trusts me with his heart.
man.
this is an incredible responsibility. and guess what? i'll probably screw it up a little bit.
but you know what's wonderful?
he's not expecting me to do it perfectly.
ben trusts me with his heart, knowing i won't always go easy.
he gives it to me, even though he knows i'm going to hurt him.
he still gives it to me.
man, it's like...Jesus chose to give himself up, he entrusted his heart to people he knew would never accept him. He gave himself up, totally vulnerable in front of a world full of people who would reject it.
i don't believe he stood there self-righteously, snickering "well, fine then. i shake my feet of your dust, and i'll watch you cough on it"

o, no. he gave it all though he knew we would break it up, toss it around, let it slip, temporarily let go, purposefully crush it.

man...i'm so glad that i'm love by a man and a God, the love from both is the same love, expressed directly, and indirectly, all coming from the same place.

cindy

anne shirley talks about people as kindred spirits.
cindy and i are kindred spirits.

she is the kind of friend who calls me over for breakfast at 9am, and i leave her house at 6:30...pm
she is the kind of friend who knows me so well, that when i show up, she's made an effort to create something delectable, to awaken my tastebuds
she is the kind of friend who can't make up her mind about anything...just like me (this is possibly part of the reason why i can't spend just an hour with her. she's like a potato chip. you can't have just one hour with her)
she is the kind of friend that doesn't have to clean her house when i come over
she is the kind of friend that doesn't have to clean her verbal expressions when i come over :)
she is the kind of friend that doesn't have to clean her emotional mess when i come over
she is just herself, totally cindy with me. and it's wonderful

we watch movies together and laugh like crazy
we eat dinner together...and laugh like crazy
we drink tea together and cry like babies
her tender heart is so beautiful
if you don't know cindy, you should get to know her
she is well worth the effort
and she'll make you feel like you are just as awesome as you feel she is :)

ahhhhhhhh

the still sweet glories of an empty home

just me, devotchka and a delicious breakfast burrito for lunch
i breath a long draught of quiet air into my lungs and think "my what a lovely time, what a lovely day"
and just like that, in the precious moments i've managed to preserve for myself, i remember the most natural expression of myself: joy.

it's incredible what can happen within a person in 4 weeks. it's absolutely impossible for me to express it to you. (maybe that's why i've been avoiding this meeting)

healing. love, over love, over love, over love. i believe colorado was about love. a word, which in this case, is interchangeable with "intimacy".

at church this morning, sitting next to an old friend made new, it's like i was looking at God's heart, opened like a book before me. pointing out how every friend, every interaction, every long drive with penny through garden of the dogs, every meal shared over laughing tongues with cindy, every dish washed in my sister's sink, every pee stain on my boots from romeo's excitement, every cup of coffee taken at la baguette, every hike with my dad, every joke with my mom, every stillness with anna, every excruciating detail with olivia, every religion spoken of, every shared baked goods with shauna and lisa, every exchange of fresh air with scott and nadia...
it was all his love. over love. over love. over love.
and my, He is a good lover isn't He?

i realized this morning what i've craved more than anything since i've returned to north carolina.
i miss the company of people who don't check the "christian" box on a resume.
i crave the friendships, the intimacies, the depth of our relationships.

my heart has never felt more alive then when surrounded by those people. today, love over love over love.
i realized something. the intense, passionate exuberance that stirs deep within me when i'm surrounded by the "lost" people of this world is the same passion God feels for them. and i crave to share that love. it's hard to keep that love bottled up inside.
it's like this morning i realized this gift: my sensitive heart.
okay wait...this sarah hankins, miss hypersensitive, miss overly fragile, miss scared of emotional wounds, is saying that this sensitive heart is a gift?
yes.
for the first time in my entire life, i realize that yes, there is a reason i've been given such a gift.
God desires to pour out his love for those who've been wounded by His name, and He desires to do it through me.
the deeper i sense the love i have for them, the deeper his love is. layer after layer is pealed back, revealing a greater intimacy, a greater longing.
i feel so alive loving. i've been created, if only for this one purpose, to love. to love those that a lot of people have a hard time loving.
He's given me the gift, that it comes naturally. and maybe it hasn't always been this way. maybe as i grew deeper in intimacy with Him, He developed that part of my heart further.

maybe, looking back now, my time in colorado, learning love over love over love over love He poured out on it, it was all stretching my heart in order to pour out love over love over love of His on His wounded kids.

veanez told me the other day that she craves, she longs for the deep times spent in the seavey home.
my heart craves, longs, yearns for, relationship with these people

the more i realize how deep His love goes for them, the more i realize how deep His love is for me.
oh man!

and again, a sigh.
my back is warm against the couch cushions. my left hand sparkles blue with one of my small tokens of the symbols of His love. little birdies flit through the trees in the backyard. cindy, this moment right now, the quietness, the soaking it all in. this is how you teach me about the Holy Spirit.

and a quick tingle comes over my body, and another. and i don't want to move from this spot. because tomorrow morning, the clutter of my humanness will get in the way of this moment. afraid to move, afraid someone will step inside and break the stillness of the moment.

c.s. lewis talks about being surprised by joy. the deeper i go, the farther i press on, the more i endure, the longer my moments of joy last. this might be my longest yet.

and just when you think you understand some facet of the folds of Him, you're struck dumb, wrapped up in an even deeper layer you never knew existed.
at first you think, 'why didn't you give me time to prepare?'

and then it doesn't matter. because being unprepared is what makes it so overwhelming
and all that's missing in this moment is a little nudge in the armpit from penny's cold wet nose, asking for a hug

i've been avoiding this for a while

and the countdown begins tomorrow morning: one week until i leave
so how do you address something like this?
ben says i'm allowed to be sad, that it's legitimate
but there is this part of me that doesn't want to be sad. a part of me that wants to ignore the fact that i'm leaving. so it's not that i'm not sad because i'm going home. how do i explain this, without hurting anyone?
i love my friends in waxhaw. i'm going to be happy to see them, and so happy to have them around. but it's going to take about a week.
see...ben says i need to let people know i'm happy to see them when i come back. but how do i do that, when i've just left a huge part of my life?
talk to anyone who's ever left their home and friends and done something significant in their life. it's impossible to explain to the people you are returning to.

i said it like this today to my friend: remember the way it felt when i first left? remember how hard it was, because you felt the lack of me and i felt the lack of you? well that's how i feel now. the presence of you is great, but i'm feeling the lack of those i left behind.
granted, in a week or so it will be alright, i'll get settled in anew, and i'll do a 180 and you'll never know i was gone.
but it's like...i need to mourn the loss of my life here. no one else is going to do it, so i need to.
if i don't mourn it, it's like it never happened, or it didn't mean anything to me.
but see, now i'm in this strange place. i'm not even crying right now writing this.
it's like, how can i cry when i feel so much joy?
i just spent the morning reading and thinking, the afternoon planning out my road trip with my mom, the evening hugging my dog, talking to my neighbor, and watching billy elliot with my sister.
if i could call anything a satisfying, fulfilled day, today would be it.
i walked down the stairs of her house, slipped my feet into her snow boots, and walked out the door as this rush of satisfaction flowed over me.
i've never felt this peaceful before a huge change before.
today was a little taste of what heaven's going to be like, i know it.
no, i didn't spend all day walking down streets of gold, and i didn't spend all day throwing my crown down.
i spent the day soaking up God's presence through books, through aslan, through lilia, through my mom, through my dog, through my neighbor, through my sister.
a day, so simple and eventless, yet my cup overflows.

how can i mourn at a time like this?
maybe tomorrow it will all change and the tears will be released and i'll take one look at my dog and think how will i live life without her? and take one look at my dad and think how will i make it without him, walking around the house?
but for now, i'm just so happy to be alive.
i'm just so happy to be my father's daughter and to be just like him.
i'm so happy to finally be friends with my sister.
i'm so happy to be myself.
i'm so happy that no matter what happens, what changes, what stupid things i do, ben still likes me and he's still there, on the other end of a phone call.
i'm so happy to be sitting on the couch with my dog at my feet, with her collar off in all of her glory, exuding heat from her little ears and toes and breathing so peacefully that it's impossible to feel any anxiety.

now i'm not ready to leave...but maybe this is a part of the closure i've been praying for?

penny unabashedly rubs her face in the grass

and i hope to feel this way forever

today is a gift:
it's warm enough to sit out in my front yard with my dog
there is just a slight breeze, moving my hair across my face, but not enough to make me cold
penny is meandering about the yard, the last flashes of pink fading from the sky
it's been a day of reflection; i used to be great at reflection but as we've discovered, i live a lot of my life out of fear.
and reflection means exactly that: dealing with things that have gone on, digger deeper into them, figuring out why they feel the way they feel.
i think if i wouldn't have read part of surprised by joy, today would be much more discouraging.
c.s. lewis deals with that idea where you are doing an every-day sort of thing and something just hits you! it awakens some deep longing within you and before you can really grasp what it is, it's already leaving and you're trying to figure out how to feel that way again.
the thing though is that a lot of times that feeling of desire is a sad one.
but you would rather feel that feeling again more than anything else in the world.
try explaining one of these happenings to someone else. you can't do it.
i used to feel these a whole lot more.
but when i'm scared of reflecting, when i'm scared of being alone i forget to take the time to feel it.

i'm at this place, where i feel like i'm sliding down a slowly descending cliff which you can't get a good enough grip to climb back up.

but even in this moment, right now, it doesn't matter because the wind is blowing my hair ever so gently, and a longing is stirred in me...
this may be one of the longest times those longings have lasted.
i can't tell you what the desire is for.
not definitively at least.
but i'm pretty sure that somewhere someone is calling me home as i'm making my way up the mountain going further and further in.
a faint voice plays over the wind  like a group of lovers calling to their mates on the other side of the mountain.
and it's beautiful
and somehow, i've forgotten to stop and listen to it.
but today i did.
today, through my pain, through a deep sense of rejection, through these burdens, i've heard it.
i was talking to my friend anna today.
she was telling me about some mistakes she made in her life. but through the pain of dealing with those mistakes, something in her heart was awoken. she actually referred to this time of pain as the time where she decided to go back to the faith of her childhood.
how incredible!
we talked for a bit over our tea and chocolates how our pain isn't a punishment from God, but an awakening.
anna said "we can't know light without knowing darkness"

we can't know joy without knowing pain


"He has cheated hell and seated us above the fall
in desperate places He paid our wages
one time once and for all"

this gets me so much more excited about getting married to ben.
i'm reminded of the depth of our love and commitment, reflecting on the idea of knowing joy through pain.

my neighborhood

i've been living in colorado springs now for about 4 months.
just me, my mom and my dad.
now my sister lives across the street and some good friends nearby, but there is a certain level of loneliness when i get got by 11:30 am and no one gets off work till 5.
prior to this, i lived for 6 months in total community with 14 people, every single day waking up to the same people.
i've also lived with ben's family, surrounded by a community of best friends who know me and understand me.

so i don't think it's an understatement saying that i've been working on my "being-alone-skills"
but what's awesome is that for the first time that i've come back to colorado, i'm handling it surprisingly well.
i'm even learning to enjoy my alone time.

but lately i've been feeling kind of down. it's just hard after a while, you know? especially not to have my best friend around.

so the point of all this is that i think i've forgotten what being with people does to me. i haven't been in a room with more than 8 people in a while, and usually those are quite get-togethers.

ben will tell you, i'm an extrovert. my dad describes it as someone who get's recharged, energized by being with people.
i've forgotten what it feels like to have my batteries completely full. until yesterday :)

yesterday, my lovely sister threw me a bridal shower. it was so...overwhelming and wonderful and joyful just to have a room full of GOOD FOOD and lovely women there to support and encourage me. we talked and laughed and giggled and shared and it was so awesome for me. so refreshing.

then, it get's even better! my neighbors, scott and nadia, who i house/dog sit for were celebrating their sons one year birthday party! when i was in the hospital after the car accident, mila called me and told me that baby Noah was born. it's so wonderful to be able to be here and celebrate this time with them.

so Nadia worked all day, cooking up a storm of exquisite mexican food, and we showed up around 4 and within the hour, the house was just filled with people. i was surrounded by people! i was free to make my way through the rooms, having significant conversations with at least 6 different people at the party. if you are veanez reyes, you know how wonderful this is for me.

not only is it an awesome place to talk and get to know people better, but to talk to 10 different people!
then afterwards, i went outside and a group of 8 boys aged 5-13 begged me to play zombies with them. it was freezing outside, but lately i've been sad thinking about how we lose our fearlessness we had as kids with our imaginations. we could just let loose and imagine up a whole world! i've lost that.
so, the boys said "WILL YOU BE A ZOMBIE?!"
i got to run around in the freezing weather, in flip flops avoiding the infamous "pokey tree" and snagging little boys to turn into zombies!
it was so much fun.
it was so awesome to use my imagination.
i love it when little boys want to hang out with me. it's like i've gotten the seal of approval.
like i've been giving the "in". like they think i'm cool enough to hang out with them. it's the best feeling ever.

i went home that night, feeling on top of the world. it was like an incredible amount of energy that's slowly been sucked out of me was shot back into my arm.
it felt so good to be surrounded by people. it made me realize how much i love my neighborhood. we're in this amazing place, with amazing people. i'm so thankful for them :) i love them!

I was supposed to write an english paper about Kafka...and this came out

All I can think about right now is the sinking of the Titanic. It’s like, in light of that, nothing else matters. Every time I’m reminded of what happened, I think…why does the world go on? How can the world go on, when so many people died, when such a tragedy actually happened? This actually happened 1517 lives were lost-drowned, died. One thousand, five hundred and seventeen people, human beings with souls and feelings and the capacity to experience pain and suffering, did just that. I’ve been in a car accident. It was probably the worst fear I’ve ever felt. Looking over at ben, wondering if it would stop. Wondering what would happen to us. Wondering if more would happen. Wondering if we would make it. What do you do with that kind of tragedy? How does someone heal from such pain. Almost a year ago it happened. Emotionally, I tend to think I’m over it. But sometimes it hits me. The tragedy was overwhelming. We didn’t die. I didn’t die. Ben didn’t die. But for about 3 seconds, which seemed infinitely longer, between the first hit and the second I though “why are we still moving? Aren’t we going to stop? Is there more pain coming? Is it possible that one of us could die right now?”

That’s the worst thought to have to think.

So imagine, those 1517 people asking the same questions, “is it going to hurt more? Am I going to make it? Is it possible that my husband will make it too? What does the end look like? How is it possible for such a tragedy to be happening?”

You look around you and all you see is pain and screaming and scared faces. I kept thinking in the car accident, “I’m so scared.”

Can you imagine the fear overwhelming you in a sinking ship? Knowing you probably won’t survive the night, staring your own death in the face. Everytime I think about the Titanic I’m overwhelmed with sadness…so many people. Such tragedy…how could such tragedy actually happen? I can’t wrap my mind around it. I cannot comprehend what those people saw that night. Humanity at it’s worst, I would say. Desperation.

One thousand, five hundred and seventeen desperate lives, lost, in a matter of two and a half hours.

I’m thankful for William Denton Cox. I utterly respect him. A third class passenger, he discovered a way out, from the depths of the ship to the deck, to get to the lifeboats. See, third class passengers were stuck inside the ship. There were gates separating the levels, keeping them from mingling with the first class passengers. These gates were locked and the third class was stranded, stuck waiting for their own death. So Cox found a way to get to the deck. He led a group of people to the top, and didn’t get himself off, but went back for more people. He led a second group to safety, and then returned a third time. The third time he didn’t make it. He lost his life. William Denton Cox laid down his life for strangers. He went back, he kept going back, likely knowing it was his own death.  He saved so many people.

A ridiculously disproportionate number of third class passengers died that morning. They didn’t stand a chance. Even in the face of tragedy, people couldn’t forget these differences. William Denton Cox, I commend you. You did a beautiful thing, and most people don’t even know who you are. But I do. Thank you.

a call to arms

now i could never kill a human being
but something stirs in me every time i think about fighting for something beautiful
deep, deep inside my veins i want to fight. not to defend what is good. good doesn't need defending.
i want to fight for those who haven't yet realized it.

war has changed. war used to be valiant, full of honor. you approached your enemy, brave, facing an almost certain death. and what drove you? knowing that you were fighting evil, knowing that you lay down your life for something beautiful:

love

light

peace

good

this is the battle i want to join. lately it's been rushing out from within me. i have no need to defend anything. but an aching lies within me, good fighting evil. inherent good fighting inherent evil.
this is why i say i could never kill a human being.
i don't believe any human still living is beyond the reach of light, of good.
but i could easily take up sword, alongside angels and warriors and valiants of old, looking my foe in the face, knowing that though they slay me, i am fighting for the defeat of evil.
i am fighting for the clutches to be loosed.
fighting for the darkness to be pierced.
fighting to save those who cannot yet see the light.

oh man....there is so much more to this. how much honor is found, to walk into the pit of death not to defend your name, not to defend your father's name, not to defend your city, but to sacrifice yourself to save the lives of countless others.

man i want to do this. i want to be a valiant warrior, with a stout heart. i want to be changed by it. i want to change with it. that my life might take up some meaning along with those who've gone before into the abyss, not knowing the outcome (or whether there might be one).

standing on the brink, i take a quick look behind me and see those walking into the same battle. i look before me and see a glimpse of hope, a light into the faces of those who might still be saved.

and i don't mean to stop. i don't mean to give up, until death take me, or there are none left to fight for.
our Captain never meant for us to lie beneath some already hewn body, waiting for the horn to signal the end.
He meant for us to take up arms, to march into the blows of our enemy, suffering pain and all things dark.

you see, our souls are filled with light. we've already found it. or rather, it has found us. how could we be so selfish as to keep it to ourselves?

as your body is broken and given and poured out, so is your light. poured into those you are fighting. and maybe, your light spilled out can yet grasp them.

so why do we run? why do we believe it's up to someone else?
"a job for the victors" one says
"for the brave, the courageous" says another
"the powerful must fight!"
"the leaders, let them go. it's their responsibility"

we've forgotten the cause for our battle. pick up your sword. perhaps the feel of it will remind you why you fight, what you send your leaders to achieve. perhaps in grasping it, really looking at it, you'll remember you've been sleeping. and as you hear the battle cry, you'll remember that someone fought for you. take up your arms and fight beside your Captain, your King!

today

i want to:
snuggle with penny
go to the beach, even if it's cold
take a walk with ben seavey
or sit on the porch, drinking coffee, rain comin down
sing a song about carolina
drink my entire cup of tea before it gets cold
savor the yellow in the air
get married
bake crackers
hang out with my sister
hang out with my other sister
sit in the seavey's living room and talk for hours
go to the wimbish's house, talking to mira while ben and david cook something amazing
have a game night...like the good ole days
be the best photographer in the world
wait outside a store while i see ben coming from a mile away to come get me in his yellow taxi, smiling or singing or dancing
go to pet land and play with little lab puppies
feel important
make potato salad with (for)  bees knees
do something holiday-ish
eat some really awesome bread
talk about food with ben seavey...no one else gets it
make tomato soup
climb a tree
feel as warm as i feel right now forever
give ben's cheek a little kiss
laugh hysterically with cindy
sneeze..a really good one
know i made someone happy
learn!
get a really big hug from someone...a human someone. not just dogs
enjoy my family
take an award winning photograph
have leaves fall all over me
bless someone

yesterday

was a horrible day


man, just awful awful awful. painful painful painful. and no escape from it either. until my dad came home and a flood of peace fell over my whole house.
i'm so thankful for a father who looks like my Father. :)

anyways, as i was leaving the house of my friend who had called me over to come make pastry cream, i started thinking to myself...

how amazing is it to have a friend that completely accepts me?
what a gift, an inexplicable gift...the sense of home i have with her. a little taste of Home.
to be completely, unconditionally loved and nurtured and encouraged and lifted up.

thanks friend


oh, p.s. i'm super happy because two of my photos sold on etsy!

man is a giddy thing

i find it interesting that after knowing ben's parents for 7 years and living with them for one, my mother in law would tell me she was surprised that i was such a sensitive person.
she said that i'm so outgoing that it seems strange that the two would go together.

truthfully, i'm terrified of rejection. i don't know if it's just in this last year, since i've become an adult and realized that there is pain in the world, or if it's been my whole life.
i would probably say my whole life.
it's one thing to know you are sensitive.
it's another thing to be reminded of it every time you have a reaction to something.
and you know that reminded may really be a reminder, but it somehow feels like an accusation.

"you are different, and it's wrong. become like me.
no one has ever said this to me.

but of course, i internalize everything. in my head, this is what i hear.
it's hard to be this way.

one of my dear friends told me that my sensitive heart is a gift. some days i have a hard time believing that.
i want to believe it. i want to believe it is a good thing, and that God uses it to bless people.

but some days i just have a hard time believing it. all those "reminders" come up like rough finernails, picking old scabs raw. but if i tell you that it hurt when you told me that, i'm just feeding this idea of yours that there is something wrong with me.

now, ben is very different than me in this aspect. even though he is more introverted, he doesn't struggle with this. i can tell we are growing though, because somehow this sensitivity has become less of a problem. walls are being broken in this relationship, i am becoming more trusting, he is becoming more patient, more understanding.

but it's one thing to do that with one person. it's taken so long to work on this. now i have to learn to do that with countless others? seems like a mountain far too high for me to ever reach the top.

you know why i'm writing this in my blog right? because if i told it to someone's face, it would never come out. i would be terrified of how you would take it. how you would react.

i realized, talking to my good friend the other night, all these things i've been thinking about marriage. i ended up telling her that i want to figure it all out now in order to protect myself from pain later. i'm actually trying to do something completely impossible, to protect myself from pain.

how is it possible that i can be so content with becoming uncomfortable (awkward situations, giving up personal luxury, having to trust God for food and money and not knowing what the next day holds or if i will make it to the airport in tel aviv to get back to costa rica)
but when it comes to pain, i do all that i can to get away from it.

have i been so badly hurt in my life that i run screaming if i can smell it coming? i have hardly anything to complain about in my life.

so what is it that makes me doubt myself when someone reacts a certain way? you know how people say "don't worry about what other people think"?
yeah i can't do that. what other people think means an incredible amount to me. partly because i know Who i represent and don't want to do that poorly
but partly because i'm scared of not being enough. what if you see me, really, i let myself be vulnerable with you and you hurt me?
what if i show you who i am and you don't like it?
what if i'm not enough?

that's the question i'm constantly asking myself. people say "it only matters what God thinks."
i know that essentially, that's true
but i don't think any human being could deny the desire to know they are valuable.
i think that's what God means when He said "i have put eternity into the hearts of all men"

it's this desire that leads me to Him.

i'm so thankful that after a life of struggling with this idea, this fear of not being enough, finally He has shown me that for Him, i am indeed enough.

finally i have at least that freedom, to be myself with Him. to trust Him. He is trust worthy. He has shown that to me full-well.

and now i'm putting this out here, my heart. this is probably the most i've put my heart out there. for the first time, i feel like i've actually said all that i want to say. and any one can read it. please, don't hurt it.

oh yeah, and when it comes to photography, i want to be good. i mean really good. i want to push myself, i want to be challenged. i don't want to settle. i want to be good. you know?

part of my Ansel Adams tribute

leaves and marriage

what an amazing day.
the kind that overwhelms you.
i guess i could say that every day. at least i hope to.

but today is different. i woke up to the sounds of deep thunder.
opened my window and the sky was the perfect grey, accenting the orange trees.
now i sit here, sipping my tea, john mark singing to Him, singing to me,
as the yellow leaves falls in unison, dancing to the music.

it hits one part of the street at a time. like a round. peters house down the street is dancing to this part, now moving upstreet to lisa and shaunas house. fluttering, like a ballet.
now my house. perfectly timed.
reminds me of the nutcracker, when mandy took me to denver, and we froze and changed our clothes in the car after eating panda express. we got so lost, and had to walk so far in the snow in our nice shoes. but we made it!
it was magical.

i love memories. they are a gift. usually the memory of something is much more rich than the actual time itself.
i'm sure that night we were frustrated, getting lost, trying to find directions.but in my mind it was a beautiful night.

sometimes the desire for something becomes more important than the something itself.
the fact that we can desire, the fact that we can, do indeed long, proves to me that there is more for us.

"He has set eternity in the hearts of all men"
that means those longings, are longings for home.

o! the word home. to be home. have you ever felt a moment when you knew you were having a taste of home?
ben is my taste of home. not always, granted. he is by no means perfect. but those times cindy i've told you about, when i'm putting my vulnerable heart out there for the word to say what they will, and he says what He has told him to say.

cindy, our times together is home for me.
aunt barb, sitting in your living room, pouring out my fears to seek your advice, is home to me.
veanez, you and i have pretty different homes. the layout would be totally different. the way we take care of our homes completely different.
but you prune me. you sharpen me. we have the same home. it just looks different. :) but He is our home. He is our common.

now penny joins me in my little outdoor haven. the world is still for a minute. john mark sings about the blood of a husband silencing wars.

i'm getting ready to be a bride. and i have a husband waiting for me. it's overwhelming, this idea of a man wanting to be my husband. wanting to come beside me, to look to me and say "this is good"
it's the most beautiful illustration of Home.
someone loves me enough to pick me out of others, to even at times be overwhelmed by me.
is it possible that my deepest longings are being spoken to, from Home through him?

to be amazed, to be overwhelmed, to stand in awe, brings me the greatest delight.
to be amazing, overwhelming, to cause awe...the root of every human heart.

to bring joy, that some would never have tasted had i not been born.
my husband here is helping me believe it, echoing my Husband at Home.

it's been a while

i'm sorry. to cindy and veanez, since they are the ones who currently read me :) (and my wonderful mother in law)

i'm listening to my friend's band playing on the radio and it's awesome.

i guess lately my life has been filled with an overwhelming sense of joy. it's great because it's not this feeling. well, okay i lied. sometimes it is this crazy feeling that i can't shake and i just have to smile or stop for a second or drive with my windows down.

but you know me: i'm moody. haha. i'm emotional. i'm hyper-sensitive. but guess what?
lately, when i get down, i stop and remember this beautiful truth: God knows me. He loves me. He wants to hang out with me. He understands me.

this past week when i went to greensboro, He told me in such a loud way, like He got on top of a huge mountain (pikes peak? cotopaxi?) and said "Sarah, guess what? this is how much i love you! here you go:

and He sat me down next to benjamin.
and that's how i know that He loves me.
i laughed and i was overwhelmed by love in a way i never knew!

He brought me all of my best friends, my family into one room, in a surprise and just drenched me with waves and waves of water-love. i cried and cried and i'm gonna cry again.
and do you know why?
because behind all this people love i was overwhelmed with, He is saying "sarah i love you. i know you"

He gave me good buddy time with veanez. it's been hard being without her. good, but hard. it was so nice to be together, to enjoy that part of my heart.

and today, i got to climb a tree! i found this beautiful world i had never seen.
i talked to a guy in the parking lot, and he asked me (almost exactly like how it says in the bible) where my joy came from. where my smile came from.
GOD!
it's so overwhelming.
partly because He is gracious enough to let me feel it.
and partly because He is encouraging me to know it when i don't feel it.
and partly because He is wooing me! He is teaching me to trust Him.
and He is indeed trustworthy.

i was driving today and i said "thank you that you are my best friend"
because i actually meant it.
i spent the afternoon taking a drive with my Understander.
it feels so good to be understood.

and the thing is, He knows my questions too.
He hears them, and sometimes i only want to ask Him.
but He can handle them. and that's why our relationship is so good. because i can ask.
He doesn't always answer, but i can ask.

i know there is more too. at every second i know there is more lurking around this corridor, and at any given moment i discover a little more.
i'm always being subjected to these thoughts, that go deeper.
i'm not satisfied with how things are.
i'm going to be different.
and for the first time in my life, i actually want it for His sake and not mine.
i want to change the WORLD!

cause i'm realizing how lost we are. and how beautiful He is.

it's what we live for!

i was just thinking,
this world is so beautiful i could cry.
and then i turned on "come thou fount" by sufjan stevens.

and i've got the shivers.
i used to think there was the LORD and then there was beauty.
now i've discovered they are one in the same.
when i see beauty, i see Him.

"i see your face, You're beautiful"
yes-i see beauty. i see His face.

it's incredible. it's a dog on the street. it is the snow on the peak hiding behind the clouds. it's music.
it's light and color. it's people. man.....oh man. people. PEOPLE. ask me what i love.
people
ask me what my calling is.
people
ask me what i want to devote my life to.
people
ask me what my inspiration is.
people

oh man. people. God knew what He was doing when He made people.
most people think, oh God is so upset that He made people. or why did He make them so imperfect?
only to show us how beautiful they could be.
so that when we see them and look into their faces, we see Him.
His face.
He's beautiful.
oooh.

i ate breakfast with cindy this morning. she is beautiful.
i spent the weekend with veanez.
she is beautiful.
i laughed with ben. he is beautiful!
i got to talk to my mother in law. she is beautiful.
mira joy is beautiful.
david's love is beautiful.
christina is beautiful.
and it's all Him.

today i tried to save a runaway/lost dog.
after posting a lost notification on craigslist, i found out she lives two doors down and was just out for a pee.
but she was beautiful.
the trees are beautiful.
the blue birds are beautiful.
hugs are beautiful, and so necessary.
intimacy is beautiful.
thankfulness is beautiful.
and i think i'm beautiful too...

He is so beautiful

what it means to have

have you ever realized that God is in love with you?
it just sneaks up on you, unexpected and all of a sudden you are overwhelmed because you've discovered that God, the person that everyone in the world is looking for, asking about, hoping exists,
is in love with you.

it's incredible.
and that's how this weekend was.
love,
after love,
after love
after love

piling up, and pressing on me till eventually i couldn't hold it in and it just jumps out of me.
and it's beautiful.
and it's making me beautiful.

it's knowing that even when things sucks, they are not beyond hope. even if it's hard, you're in it together and so you can still enjoy it.
even when you are fighting or you don't understand Him, you HAVE Him.
you are free to feel joy, because you have Him.

i'm talking about God. but i'm learning this will apply to marriage too.
and that's another beauty. everything is expressing Him. everything is telling me more about Him.

you have each other. you are struggling, it's hard, it's painful. but you HAVE each other.
it's beautiful.

i have a man. i'm amazed. i'm thankful. i'm blessed. i'm joyful!

"but what if i'm not worthy?
-you have made me clean"

joy: penny and sarah's breakfast photo shoot

this morning i had oatmeal.
that means that this morning, penny loved me.
that dog will stick by your side through thick and thin...as long as you have something edible in your hand.
most dogs don't like fruit, or healthy snacks.
most dogs also don't have jaw problems when they chew.
if you haven't seen penny eat, you really should sometime.
it's pretty hilarious.
she is so excited to be eating, but it takes about 15 minutes to eat one piece of baby carrot, because it keeps popping out of her mouth :)

so this morning we spent some quality time together on the back deck, and the sun was hitting her so lovely, so i took pictures.
what a way to start the day?
dog
oatmeal
sunshine
camera
God

here you go!: