i've been avoiding this for a while

and the countdown begins tomorrow morning: one week until i leave
so how do you address something like this?
ben says i'm allowed to be sad, that it's legitimate
but there is this part of me that doesn't want to be sad. a part of me that wants to ignore the fact that i'm leaving. so it's not that i'm not sad because i'm going home. how do i explain this, without hurting anyone?
i love my friends in waxhaw. i'm going to be happy to see them, and so happy to have them around. but it's going to take about a week.
see...ben says i need to let people know i'm happy to see them when i come back. but how do i do that, when i've just left a huge part of my life?
talk to anyone who's ever left their home and friends and done something significant in their life. it's impossible to explain to the people you are returning to.

i said it like this today to my friend: remember the way it felt when i first left? remember how hard it was, because you felt the lack of me and i felt the lack of you? well that's how i feel now. the presence of you is great, but i'm feeling the lack of those i left behind.
granted, in a week or so it will be alright, i'll get settled in anew, and i'll do a 180 and you'll never know i was gone.
but it's like...i need to mourn the loss of my life here. no one else is going to do it, so i need to.
if i don't mourn it, it's like it never happened, or it didn't mean anything to me.
but see, now i'm in this strange place. i'm not even crying right now writing this.
it's like, how can i cry when i feel so much joy?
i just spent the morning reading and thinking, the afternoon planning out my road trip with my mom, the evening hugging my dog, talking to my neighbor, and watching billy elliot with my sister.
if i could call anything a satisfying, fulfilled day, today would be it.
i walked down the stairs of her house, slipped my feet into her snow boots, and walked out the door as this rush of satisfaction flowed over me.
i've never felt this peaceful before a huge change before.
today was a little taste of what heaven's going to be like, i know it.
no, i didn't spend all day walking down streets of gold, and i didn't spend all day throwing my crown down.
i spent the day soaking up God's presence through books, through aslan, through lilia, through my mom, through my dog, through my neighbor, through my sister.
a day, so simple and eventless, yet my cup overflows.

how can i mourn at a time like this?
maybe tomorrow it will all change and the tears will be released and i'll take one look at my dog and think how will i live life without her? and take one look at my dad and think how will i make it without him, walking around the house?
but for now, i'm just so happy to be alive.
i'm just so happy to be my father's daughter and to be just like him.
i'm so happy to finally be friends with my sister.
i'm so happy to be myself.
i'm so happy that no matter what happens, what changes, what stupid things i do, ben still likes me and he's still there, on the other end of a phone call.
i'm so happy to be sitting on the couch with my dog at my feet, with her collar off in all of her glory, exuding heat from her little ears and toes and breathing so peacefully that it's impossible to feel any anxiety.

now i'm not ready to leave...but maybe this is a part of the closure i've been praying for?

penny unabashedly rubs her face in the grass

and i hope to feel this way forever

today is a gift:
it's warm enough to sit out in my front yard with my dog
there is just a slight breeze, moving my hair across my face, but not enough to make me cold
penny is meandering about the yard, the last flashes of pink fading from the sky
it's been a day of reflection; i used to be great at reflection but as we've discovered, i live a lot of my life out of fear.
and reflection means exactly that: dealing with things that have gone on, digger deeper into them, figuring out why they feel the way they feel.
i think if i wouldn't have read part of surprised by joy, today would be much more discouraging.
c.s. lewis deals with that idea where you are doing an every-day sort of thing and something just hits you! it awakens some deep longing within you and before you can really grasp what it is, it's already leaving and you're trying to figure out how to feel that way again.
the thing though is that a lot of times that feeling of desire is a sad one.
but you would rather feel that feeling again more than anything else in the world.
try explaining one of these happenings to someone else. you can't do it.
i used to feel these a whole lot more.
but when i'm scared of reflecting, when i'm scared of being alone i forget to take the time to feel it.

i'm at this place, where i feel like i'm sliding down a slowly descending cliff which you can't get a good enough grip to climb back up.

but even in this moment, right now, it doesn't matter because the wind is blowing my hair ever so gently, and a longing is stirred in me...
this may be one of the longest times those longings have lasted.
i can't tell you what the desire is for.
not definitively at least.
but i'm pretty sure that somewhere someone is calling me home as i'm making my way up the mountain going further and further in.
a faint voice plays over the wind  like a group of lovers calling to their mates on the other side of the mountain.
and it's beautiful
and somehow, i've forgotten to stop and listen to it.
but today i did.
today, through my pain, through a deep sense of rejection, through these burdens, i've heard it.
i was talking to my friend anna today.
she was telling me about some mistakes she made in her life. but through the pain of dealing with those mistakes, something in her heart was awoken. she actually referred to this time of pain as the time where she decided to go back to the faith of her childhood.
how incredible!
we talked for a bit over our tea and chocolates how our pain isn't a punishment from God, but an awakening.
anna said "we can't know light without knowing darkness"

we can't know joy without knowing pain


"He has cheated hell and seated us above the fall
in desperate places He paid our wages
one time once and for all"

this gets me so much more excited about getting married to ben.
i'm reminded of the depth of our love and commitment, reflecting on the idea of knowing joy through pain.

my neighborhood

i've been living in colorado springs now for about 4 months.
just me, my mom and my dad.
now my sister lives across the street and some good friends nearby, but there is a certain level of loneliness when i get got by 11:30 am and no one gets off work till 5.
prior to this, i lived for 6 months in total community with 14 people, every single day waking up to the same people.
i've also lived with ben's family, surrounded by a community of best friends who know me and understand me.

so i don't think it's an understatement saying that i've been working on my "being-alone-skills"
but what's awesome is that for the first time that i've come back to colorado, i'm handling it surprisingly well.
i'm even learning to enjoy my alone time.

but lately i've been feeling kind of down. it's just hard after a while, you know? especially not to have my best friend around.

so the point of all this is that i think i've forgotten what being with people does to me. i haven't been in a room with more than 8 people in a while, and usually those are quite get-togethers.

ben will tell you, i'm an extrovert. my dad describes it as someone who get's recharged, energized by being with people.
i've forgotten what it feels like to have my batteries completely full. until yesterday :)

yesterday, my lovely sister threw me a bridal shower. it was so...overwhelming and wonderful and joyful just to have a room full of GOOD FOOD and lovely women there to support and encourage me. we talked and laughed and giggled and shared and it was so awesome for me. so refreshing.

then, it get's even better! my neighbors, scott and nadia, who i house/dog sit for were celebrating their sons one year birthday party! when i was in the hospital after the car accident, mila called me and told me that baby Noah was born. it's so wonderful to be able to be here and celebrate this time with them.

so Nadia worked all day, cooking up a storm of exquisite mexican food, and we showed up around 4 and within the hour, the house was just filled with people. i was surrounded by people! i was free to make my way through the rooms, having significant conversations with at least 6 different people at the party. if you are veanez reyes, you know how wonderful this is for me.

not only is it an awesome place to talk and get to know people better, but to talk to 10 different people!
then afterwards, i went outside and a group of 8 boys aged 5-13 begged me to play zombies with them. it was freezing outside, but lately i've been sad thinking about how we lose our fearlessness we had as kids with our imaginations. we could just let loose and imagine up a whole world! i've lost that.
so, the boys said "WILL YOU BE A ZOMBIE?!"
i got to run around in the freezing weather, in flip flops avoiding the infamous "pokey tree" and snagging little boys to turn into zombies!
it was so much fun.
it was so awesome to use my imagination.
i love it when little boys want to hang out with me. it's like i've gotten the seal of approval.
like i've been giving the "in". like they think i'm cool enough to hang out with them. it's the best feeling ever.

i went home that night, feeling on top of the world. it was like an incredible amount of energy that's slowly been sucked out of me was shot back into my arm.
it felt so good to be surrounded by people. it made me realize how much i love my neighborhood. we're in this amazing place, with amazing people. i'm so thankful for them :) i love them!

I was supposed to write an english paper about Kafka...and this came out

All I can think about right now is the sinking of the Titanic. It’s like, in light of that, nothing else matters. Every time I’m reminded of what happened, I think…why does the world go on? How can the world go on, when so many people died, when such a tragedy actually happened? This actually happened 1517 lives were lost-drowned, died. One thousand, five hundred and seventeen people, human beings with souls and feelings and the capacity to experience pain and suffering, did just that. I’ve been in a car accident. It was probably the worst fear I’ve ever felt. Looking over at ben, wondering if it would stop. Wondering what would happen to us. Wondering if more would happen. Wondering if we would make it. What do you do with that kind of tragedy? How does someone heal from such pain. Almost a year ago it happened. Emotionally, I tend to think I’m over it. But sometimes it hits me. The tragedy was overwhelming. We didn’t die. I didn’t die. Ben didn’t die. But for about 3 seconds, which seemed infinitely longer, between the first hit and the second I though “why are we still moving? Aren’t we going to stop? Is there more pain coming? Is it possible that one of us could die right now?”

That’s the worst thought to have to think.

So imagine, those 1517 people asking the same questions, “is it going to hurt more? Am I going to make it? Is it possible that my husband will make it too? What does the end look like? How is it possible for such a tragedy to be happening?”

You look around you and all you see is pain and screaming and scared faces. I kept thinking in the car accident, “I’m so scared.”

Can you imagine the fear overwhelming you in a sinking ship? Knowing you probably won’t survive the night, staring your own death in the face. Everytime I think about the Titanic I’m overwhelmed with sadness…so many people. Such tragedy…how could such tragedy actually happen? I can’t wrap my mind around it. I cannot comprehend what those people saw that night. Humanity at it’s worst, I would say. Desperation.

One thousand, five hundred and seventeen desperate lives, lost, in a matter of two and a half hours.

I’m thankful for William Denton Cox. I utterly respect him. A third class passenger, he discovered a way out, from the depths of the ship to the deck, to get to the lifeboats. See, third class passengers were stuck inside the ship. There were gates separating the levels, keeping them from mingling with the first class passengers. These gates were locked and the third class was stranded, stuck waiting for their own death. So Cox found a way to get to the deck. He led a group of people to the top, and didn’t get himself off, but went back for more people. He led a second group to safety, and then returned a third time. The third time he didn’t make it. He lost his life. William Denton Cox laid down his life for strangers. He went back, he kept going back, likely knowing it was his own death.  He saved so many people.

A ridiculously disproportionate number of third class passengers died that morning. They didn’t stand a chance. Even in the face of tragedy, people couldn’t forget these differences. William Denton Cox, I commend you. You did a beautiful thing, and most people don’t even know who you are. But I do. Thank you.

a call to arms

now i could never kill a human being
but something stirs in me every time i think about fighting for something beautiful
deep, deep inside my veins i want to fight. not to defend what is good. good doesn't need defending.
i want to fight for those who haven't yet realized it.

war has changed. war used to be valiant, full of honor. you approached your enemy, brave, facing an almost certain death. and what drove you? knowing that you were fighting evil, knowing that you lay down your life for something beautiful:

love

light

peace

good

this is the battle i want to join. lately it's been rushing out from within me. i have no need to defend anything. but an aching lies within me, good fighting evil. inherent good fighting inherent evil.
this is why i say i could never kill a human being.
i don't believe any human still living is beyond the reach of light, of good.
but i could easily take up sword, alongside angels and warriors and valiants of old, looking my foe in the face, knowing that though they slay me, i am fighting for the defeat of evil.
i am fighting for the clutches to be loosed.
fighting for the darkness to be pierced.
fighting to save those who cannot yet see the light.

oh man....there is so much more to this. how much honor is found, to walk into the pit of death not to defend your name, not to defend your father's name, not to defend your city, but to sacrifice yourself to save the lives of countless others.

man i want to do this. i want to be a valiant warrior, with a stout heart. i want to be changed by it. i want to change with it. that my life might take up some meaning along with those who've gone before into the abyss, not knowing the outcome (or whether there might be one).

standing on the brink, i take a quick look behind me and see those walking into the same battle. i look before me and see a glimpse of hope, a light into the faces of those who might still be saved.

and i don't mean to stop. i don't mean to give up, until death take me, or there are none left to fight for.
our Captain never meant for us to lie beneath some already hewn body, waiting for the horn to signal the end.
He meant for us to take up arms, to march into the blows of our enemy, suffering pain and all things dark.

you see, our souls are filled with light. we've already found it. or rather, it has found us. how could we be so selfish as to keep it to ourselves?

as your body is broken and given and poured out, so is your light. poured into those you are fighting. and maybe, your light spilled out can yet grasp them.

so why do we run? why do we believe it's up to someone else?
"a job for the victors" one says
"for the brave, the courageous" says another
"the powerful must fight!"
"the leaders, let them go. it's their responsibility"

we've forgotten the cause for our battle. pick up your sword. perhaps the feel of it will remind you why you fight, what you send your leaders to achieve. perhaps in grasping it, really looking at it, you'll remember you've been sleeping. and as you hear the battle cry, you'll remember that someone fought for you. take up your arms and fight beside your Captain, your King!

today

i want to:
snuggle with penny
go to the beach, even if it's cold
take a walk with ben seavey
or sit on the porch, drinking coffee, rain comin down
sing a song about carolina
drink my entire cup of tea before it gets cold
savor the yellow in the air
get married
bake crackers
hang out with my sister
hang out with my other sister
sit in the seavey's living room and talk for hours
go to the wimbish's house, talking to mira while ben and david cook something amazing
have a game night...like the good ole days
be the best photographer in the world
wait outside a store while i see ben coming from a mile away to come get me in his yellow taxi, smiling or singing or dancing
go to pet land and play with little lab puppies
feel important
make potato salad with (for)  bees knees
do something holiday-ish
eat some really awesome bread
talk about food with ben seavey...no one else gets it
make tomato soup
climb a tree
feel as warm as i feel right now forever
give ben's cheek a little kiss
laugh hysterically with cindy
sneeze..a really good one
know i made someone happy
learn!
get a really big hug from someone...a human someone. not just dogs
enjoy my family
take an award winning photograph
have leaves fall all over me
bless someone

yesterday

was a horrible day


man, just awful awful awful. painful painful painful. and no escape from it either. until my dad came home and a flood of peace fell over my whole house.
i'm so thankful for a father who looks like my Father. :)

anyways, as i was leaving the house of my friend who had called me over to come make pastry cream, i started thinking to myself...

how amazing is it to have a friend that completely accepts me?
what a gift, an inexplicable gift...the sense of home i have with her. a little taste of Home.
to be completely, unconditionally loved and nurtured and encouraged and lifted up.

thanks friend


oh, p.s. i'm super happy because two of my photos sold on etsy!