penny unabashedly rubs her face in the grass

and i hope to feel this way forever

today is a gift:
it's warm enough to sit out in my front yard with my dog
there is just a slight breeze, moving my hair across my face, but not enough to make me cold
penny is meandering about the yard, the last flashes of pink fading from the sky
it's been a day of reflection; i used to be great at reflection but as we've discovered, i live a lot of my life out of fear.
and reflection means exactly that: dealing with things that have gone on, digger deeper into them, figuring out why they feel the way they feel.
i think if i wouldn't have read part of surprised by joy, today would be much more discouraging.
c.s. lewis deals with that idea where you are doing an every-day sort of thing and something just hits you! it awakens some deep longing within you and before you can really grasp what it is, it's already leaving and you're trying to figure out how to feel that way again.
the thing though is that a lot of times that feeling of desire is a sad one.
but you would rather feel that feeling again more than anything else in the world.
try explaining one of these happenings to someone else. you can't do it.
i used to feel these a whole lot more.
but when i'm scared of reflecting, when i'm scared of being alone i forget to take the time to feel it.

i'm at this place, where i feel like i'm sliding down a slowly descending cliff which you can't get a good enough grip to climb back up.

but even in this moment, right now, it doesn't matter because the wind is blowing my hair ever so gently, and a longing is stirred in me...
this may be one of the longest times those longings have lasted.
i can't tell you what the desire is for.
not definitively at least.
but i'm pretty sure that somewhere someone is calling me home as i'm making my way up the mountain going further and further in.
a faint voice plays over the wind  like a group of lovers calling to their mates on the other side of the mountain.
and it's beautiful
and somehow, i've forgotten to stop and listen to it.
but today i did.
today, through my pain, through a deep sense of rejection, through these burdens, i've heard it.
i was talking to my friend anna today.
she was telling me about some mistakes she made in her life. but through the pain of dealing with those mistakes, something in her heart was awoken. she actually referred to this time of pain as the time where she decided to go back to the faith of her childhood.
how incredible!
we talked for a bit over our tea and chocolates how our pain isn't a punishment from God, but an awakening.
anna said "we can't know light without knowing darkness"

we can't know joy without knowing pain


"He has cheated hell and seated us above the fall
in desperate places He paid our wages
one time once and for all"

this gets me so much more excited about getting married to ben.
i'm reminded of the depth of our love and commitment, reflecting on the idea of knowing joy through pain.

my neighborhood

i've been living in colorado springs now for about 4 months.
just me, my mom and my dad.
now my sister lives across the street and some good friends nearby, but there is a certain level of loneliness when i get got by 11:30 am and no one gets off work till 5.
prior to this, i lived for 6 months in total community with 14 people, every single day waking up to the same people.
i've also lived with ben's family, surrounded by a community of best friends who know me and understand me.

so i don't think it's an understatement saying that i've been working on my "being-alone-skills"
but what's awesome is that for the first time that i've come back to colorado, i'm handling it surprisingly well.
i'm even learning to enjoy my alone time.

but lately i've been feeling kind of down. it's just hard after a while, you know? especially not to have my best friend around.

so the point of all this is that i think i've forgotten what being with people does to me. i haven't been in a room with more than 8 people in a while, and usually those are quite get-togethers.

ben will tell you, i'm an extrovert. my dad describes it as someone who get's recharged, energized by being with people.
i've forgotten what it feels like to have my batteries completely full. until yesterday :)

yesterday, my lovely sister threw me a bridal shower. it was so...overwhelming and wonderful and joyful just to have a room full of GOOD FOOD and lovely women there to support and encourage me. we talked and laughed and giggled and shared and it was so awesome for me. so refreshing.

then, it get's even better! my neighbors, scott and nadia, who i house/dog sit for were celebrating their sons one year birthday party! when i was in the hospital after the car accident, mila called me and told me that baby Noah was born. it's so wonderful to be able to be here and celebrate this time with them.

so Nadia worked all day, cooking up a storm of exquisite mexican food, and we showed up around 4 and within the hour, the house was just filled with people. i was surrounded by people! i was free to make my way through the rooms, having significant conversations with at least 6 different people at the party. if you are veanez reyes, you know how wonderful this is for me.

not only is it an awesome place to talk and get to know people better, but to talk to 10 different people!
then afterwards, i went outside and a group of 8 boys aged 5-13 begged me to play zombies with them. it was freezing outside, but lately i've been sad thinking about how we lose our fearlessness we had as kids with our imaginations. we could just let loose and imagine up a whole world! i've lost that.
so, the boys said "WILL YOU BE A ZOMBIE?!"
i got to run around in the freezing weather, in flip flops avoiding the infamous "pokey tree" and snagging little boys to turn into zombies!
it was so much fun.
it was so awesome to use my imagination.
i love it when little boys want to hang out with me. it's like i've gotten the seal of approval.
like i've been giving the "in". like they think i'm cool enough to hang out with them. it's the best feeling ever.

i went home that night, feeling on top of the world. it was like an incredible amount of energy that's slowly been sucked out of me was shot back into my arm.
it felt so good to be surrounded by people. it made me realize how much i love my neighborhood. we're in this amazing place, with amazing people. i'm so thankful for them :) i love them!