cindy

anne shirley talks about people as kindred spirits.
cindy and i are kindred spirits.

she is the kind of friend who calls me over for breakfast at 9am, and i leave her house at 6:30...pm
she is the kind of friend who knows me so well, that when i show up, she's made an effort to create something delectable, to awaken my tastebuds
she is the kind of friend who can't make up her mind about anything...just like me (this is possibly part of the reason why i can't spend just an hour with her. she's like a potato chip. you can't have just one hour with her)
she is the kind of friend that doesn't have to clean her house when i come over
she is the kind of friend that doesn't have to clean her verbal expressions when i come over :)
she is the kind of friend that doesn't have to clean her emotional mess when i come over
she is just herself, totally cindy with me. and it's wonderful

we watch movies together and laugh like crazy
we eat dinner together...and laugh like crazy
we drink tea together and cry like babies
her tender heart is so beautiful
if you don't know cindy, you should get to know her
she is well worth the effort
and she'll make you feel like you are just as awesome as you feel she is :)

ahhhhhhhh

the still sweet glories of an empty home

just me, devotchka and a delicious breakfast burrito for lunch
i breath a long draught of quiet air into my lungs and think "my what a lovely time, what a lovely day"
and just like that, in the precious moments i've managed to preserve for myself, i remember the most natural expression of myself: joy.

it's incredible what can happen within a person in 4 weeks. it's absolutely impossible for me to express it to you. (maybe that's why i've been avoiding this meeting)

healing. love, over love, over love, over love. i believe colorado was about love. a word, which in this case, is interchangeable with "intimacy".

at church this morning, sitting next to an old friend made new, it's like i was looking at God's heart, opened like a book before me. pointing out how every friend, every interaction, every long drive with penny through garden of the dogs, every meal shared over laughing tongues with cindy, every dish washed in my sister's sink, every pee stain on my boots from romeo's excitement, every cup of coffee taken at la baguette, every hike with my dad, every joke with my mom, every stillness with anna, every excruciating detail with olivia, every religion spoken of, every shared baked goods with shauna and lisa, every exchange of fresh air with scott and nadia...
it was all his love. over love. over love. over love.
and my, He is a good lover isn't He?

i realized this morning what i've craved more than anything since i've returned to north carolina.
i miss the company of people who don't check the "christian" box on a resume.
i crave the friendships, the intimacies, the depth of our relationships.

my heart has never felt more alive then when surrounded by those people. today, love over love over love.
i realized something. the intense, passionate exuberance that stirs deep within me when i'm surrounded by the "lost" people of this world is the same passion God feels for them. and i crave to share that love. it's hard to keep that love bottled up inside.
it's like this morning i realized this gift: my sensitive heart.
okay wait...this sarah hankins, miss hypersensitive, miss overly fragile, miss scared of emotional wounds, is saying that this sensitive heart is a gift?
yes.
for the first time in my entire life, i realize that yes, there is a reason i've been given such a gift.
God desires to pour out his love for those who've been wounded by His name, and He desires to do it through me.
the deeper i sense the love i have for them, the deeper his love is. layer after layer is pealed back, revealing a greater intimacy, a greater longing.
i feel so alive loving. i've been created, if only for this one purpose, to love. to love those that a lot of people have a hard time loving.
He's given me the gift, that it comes naturally. and maybe it hasn't always been this way. maybe as i grew deeper in intimacy with Him, He developed that part of my heart further.

maybe, looking back now, my time in colorado, learning love over love over love over love He poured out on it, it was all stretching my heart in order to pour out love over love over love of His on His wounded kids.

veanez told me the other day that she craves, she longs for the deep times spent in the seavey home.
my heart craves, longs, yearns for, relationship with these people

the more i realize how deep His love goes for them, the more i realize how deep His love is for me.
oh man!

and again, a sigh.
my back is warm against the couch cushions. my left hand sparkles blue with one of my small tokens of the symbols of His love. little birdies flit through the trees in the backyard. cindy, this moment right now, the quietness, the soaking it all in. this is how you teach me about the Holy Spirit.

and a quick tingle comes over my body, and another. and i don't want to move from this spot. because tomorrow morning, the clutter of my humanness will get in the way of this moment. afraid to move, afraid someone will step inside and break the stillness of the moment.

c.s. lewis talks about being surprised by joy. the deeper i go, the farther i press on, the more i endure, the longer my moments of joy last. this might be my longest yet.

and just when you think you understand some facet of the folds of Him, you're struck dumb, wrapped up in an even deeper layer you never knew existed.
at first you think, 'why didn't you give me time to prepare?'

and then it doesn't matter. because being unprepared is what makes it so overwhelming
and all that's missing in this moment is a little nudge in the armpit from penny's cold wet nose, asking for a hug

i've been avoiding this for a while

and the countdown begins tomorrow morning: one week until i leave
so how do you address something like this?
ben says i'm allowed to be sad, that it's legitimate
but there is this part of me that doesn't want to be sad. a part of me that wants to ignore the fact that i'm leaving. so it's not that i'm not sad because i'm going home. how do i explain this, without hurting anyone?
i love my friends in waxhaw. i'm going to be happy to see them, and so happy to have them around. but it's going to take about a week.
see...ben says i need to let people know i'm happy to see them when i come back. but how do i do that, when i've just left a huge part of my life?
talk to anyone who's ever left their home and friends and done something significant in their life. it's impossible to explain to the people you are returning to.

i said it like this today to my friend: remember the way it felt when i first left? remember how hard it was, because you felt the lack of me and i felt the lack of you? well that's how i feel now. the presence of you is great, but i'm feeling the lack of those i left behind.
granted, in a week or so it will be alright, i'll get settled in anew, and i'll do a 180 and you'll never know i was gone.
but it's like...i need to mourn the loss of my life here. no one else is going to do it, so i need to.
if i don't mourn it, it's like it never happened, or it didn't mean anything to me.
but see, now i'm in this strange place. i'm not even crying right now writing this.
it's like, how can i cry when i feel so much joy?
i just spent the morning reading and thinking, the afternoon planning out my road trip with my mom, the evening hugging my dog, talking to my neighbor, and watching billy elliot with my sister.
if i could call anything a satisfying, fulfilled day, today would be it.
i walked down the stairs of her house, slipped my feet into her snow boots, and walked out the door as this rush of satisfaction flowed over me.
i've never felt this peaceful before a huge change before.
today was a little taste of what heaven's going to be like, i know it.
no, i didn't spend all day walking down streets of gold, and i didn't spend all day throwing my crown down.
i spent the day soaking up God's presence through books, through aslan, through lilia, through my mom, through my dog, through my neighbor, through my sister.
a day, so simple and eventless, yet my cup overflows.

how can i mourn at a time like this?
maybe tomorrow it will all change and the tears will be released and i'll take one look at my dog and think how will i live life without her? and take one look at my dad and think how will i make it without him, walking around the house?
but for now, i'm just so happy to be alive.
i'm just so happy to be my father's daughter and to be just like him.
i'm so happy to finally be friends with my sister.
i'm so happy to be myself.
i'm so happy that no matter what happens, what changes, what stupid things i do, ben still likes me and he's still there, on the other end of a phone call.
i'm so happy to be sitting on the couch with my dog at my feet, with her collar off in all of her glory, exuding heat from her little ears and toes and breathing so peacefully that it's impossible to feel any anxiety.

now i'm not ready to leave...but maybe this is a part of the closure i've been praying for?