penny unabashedly rubs her face in the grass

and i hope to feel this way forever

today is a gift:
it's warm enough to sit out in my front yard with my dog
there is just a slight breeze, moving my hair across my face, but not enough to make me cold
penny is meandering about the yard, the last flashes of pink fading from the sky
it's been a day of reflection; i used to be great at reflection but as we've discovered, i live a lot of my life out of fear.
and reflection means exactly that: dealing with things that have gone on, digger deeper into them, figuring out why they feel the way they feel.
i think if i wouldn't have read part of surprised by joy, today would be much more discouraging.
c.s. lewis deals with that idea where you are doing an every-day sort of thing and something just hits you! it awakens some deep longing within you and before you can really grasp what it is, it's already leaving and you're trying to figure out how to feel that way again.
the thing though is that a lot of times that feeling of desire is a sad one.
but you would rather feel that feeling again more than anything else in the world.
try explaining one of these happenings to someone else. you can't do it.
i used to feel these a whole lot more.
but when i'm scared of reflecting, when i'm scared of being alone i forget to take the time to feel it.

i'm at this place, where i feel like i'm sliding down a slowly descending cliff which you can't get a good enough grip to climb back up.

but even in this moment, right now, it doesn't matter because the wind is blowing my hair ever so gently, and a longing is stirred in me...
this may be one of the longest times those longings have lasted.
i can't tell you what the desire is for.
not definitively at least.
but i'm pretty sure that somewhere someone is calling me home as i'm making my way up the mountain going further and further in.
a faint voice plays over the wind  like a group of lovers calling to their mates on the other side of the mountain.
and it's beautiful
and somehow, i've forgotten to stop and listen to it.
but today i did.
today, through my pain, through a deep sense of rejection, through these burdens, i've heard it.
i was talking to my friend anna today.
she was telling me about some mistakes she made in her life. but through the pain of dealing with those mistakes, something in her heart was awoken. she actually referred to this time of pain as the time where she decided to go back to the faith of her childhood.
how incredible!
we talked for a bit over our tea and chocolates how our pain isn't a punishment from God, but an awakening.
anna said "we can't know light without knowing darkness"

we can't know joy without knowing pain


"He has cheated hell and seated us above the fall
in desperate places He paid our wages
one time once and for all"

this gets me so much more excited about getting married to ben.
i'm reminded of the depth of our love and commitment, reflecting on the idea of knowing joy through pain.

my neighborhood

i've been living in colorado springs now for about 4 months.
just me, my mom and my dad.
now my sister lives across the street and some good friends nearby, but there is a certain level of loneliness when i get got by 11:30 am and no one gets off work till 5.
prior to this, i lived for 6 months in total community with 14 people, every single day waking up to the same people.
i've also lived with ben's family, surrounded by a community of best friends who know me and understand me.

so i don't think it's an understatement saying that i've been working on my "being-alone-skills"
but what's awesome is that for the first time that i've come back to colorado, i'm handling it surprisingly well.
i'm even learning to enjoy my alone time.

but lately i've been feeling kind of down. it's just hard after a while, you know? especially not to have my best friend around.

so the point of all this is that i think i've forgotten what being with people does to me. i haven't been in a room with more than 8 people in a while, and usually those are quite get-togethers.

ben will tell you, i'm an extrovert. my dad describes it as someone who get's recharged, energized by being with people.
i've forgotten what it feels like to have my batteries completely full. until yesterday :)

yesterday, my lovely sister threw me a bridal shower. it was so...overwhelming and wonderful and joyful just to have a room full of GOOD FOOD and lovely women there to support and encourage me. we talked and laughed and giggled and shared and it was so awesome for me. so refreshing.

then, it get's even better! my neighbors, scott and nadia, who i house/dog sit for were celebrating their sons one year birthday party! when i was in the hospital after the car accident, mila called me and told me that baby Noah was born. it's so wonderful to be able to be here and celebrate this time with them.

so Nadia worked all day, cooking up a storm of exquisite mexican food, and we showed up around 4 and within the hour, the house was just filled with people. i was surrounded by people! i was free to make my way through the rooms, having significant conversations with at least 6 different people at the party. if you are veanez reyes, you know how wonderful this is for me.

not only is it an awesome place to talk and get to know people better, but to talk to 10 different people!
then afterwards, i went outside and a group of 8 boys aged 5-13 begged me to play zombies with them. it was freezing outside, but lately i've been sad thinking about how we lose our fearlessness we had as kids with our imaginations. we could just let loose and imagine up a whole world! i've lost that.
so, the boys said "WILL YOU BE A ZOMBIE?!"
i got to run around in the freezing weather, in flip flops avoiding the infamous "pokey tree" and snagging little boys to turn into zombies!
it was so much fun.
it was so awesome to use my imagination.
i love it when little boys want to hang out with me. it's like i've gotten the seal of approval.
like i've been giving the "in". like they think i'm cool enough to hang out with them. it's the best feeling ever.

i went home that night, feeling on top of the world. it was like an incredible amount of energy that's slowly been sucked out of me was shot back into my arm.
it felt so good to be surrounded by people. it made me realize how much i love my neighborhood. we're in this amazing place, with amazing people. i'm so thankful for them :) i love them!

I was supposed to write an english paper about Kafka...and this came out

All I can think about right now is the sinking of the Titanic. It’s like, in light of that, nothing else matters. Every time I’m reminded of what happened, I think…why does the world go on? How can the world go on, when so many people died, when such a tragedy actually happened? This actually happened 1517 lives were lost-drowned, died. One thousand, five hundred and seventeen people, human beings with souls and feelings and the capacity to experience pain and suffering, did just that. I’ve been in a car accident. It was probably the worst fear I’ve ever felt. Looking over at ben, wondering if it would stop. Wondering what would happen to us. Wondering if more would happen. Wondering if we would make it. What do you do with that kind of tragedy? How does someone heal from such pain. Almost a year ago it happened. Emotionally, I tend to think I’m over it. But sometimes it hits me. The tragedy was overwhelming. We didn’t die. I didn’t die. Ben didn’t die. But for about 3 seconds, which seemed infinitely longer, between the first hit and the second I though “why are we still moving? Aren’t we going to stop? Is there more pain coming? Is it possible that one of us could die right now?”

That’s the worst thought to have to think.

So imagine, those 1517 people asking the same questions, “is it going to hurt more? Am I going to make it? Is it possible that my husband will make it too? What does the end look like? How is it possible for such a tragedy to be happening?”

You look around you and all you see is pain and screaming and scared faces. I kept thinking in the car accident, “I’m so scared.”

Can you imagine the fear overwhelming you in a sinking ship? Knowing you probably won’t survive the night, staring your own death in the face. Everytime I think about the Titanic I’m overwhelmed with sadness…so many people. Such tragedy…how could such tragedy actually happen? I can’t wrap my mind around it. I cannot comprehend what those people saw that night. Humanity at it’s worst, I would say. Desperation.

One thousand, five hundred and seventeen desperate lives, lost, in a matter of two and a half hours.

I’m thankful for William Denton Cox. I utterly respect him. A third class passenger, he discovered a way out, from the depths of the ship to the deck, to get to the lifeboats. See, third class passengers were stuck inside the ship. There were gates separating the levels, keeping them from mingling with the first class passengers. These gates were locked and the third class was stranded, stuck waiting for their own death. So Cox found a way to get to the deck. He led a group of people to the top, and didn’t get himself off, but went back for more people. He led a second group to safety, and then returned a third time. The third time he didn’t make it. He lost his life. William Denton Cox laid down his life for strangers. He went back, he kept going back, likely knowing it was his own death.  He saved so many people.

A ridiculously disproportionate number of third class passengers died that morning. They didn’t stand a chance. Even in the face of tragedy, people couldn’t forget these differences. William Denton Cox, I commend you. You did a beautiful thing, and most people don’t even know who you are. But I do. Thank you.

a call to arms

now i could never kill a human being
but something stirs in me every time i think about fighting for something beautiful
deep, deep inside my veins i want to fight. not to defend what is good. good doesn't need defending.
i want to fight for those who haven't yet realized it.

war has changed. war used to be valiant, full of honor. you approached your enemy, brave, facing an almost certain death. and what drove you? knowing that you were fighting evil, knowing that you lay down your life for something beautiful:

love

light

peace

good

this is the battle i want to join. lately it's been rushing out from within me. i have no need to defend anything. but an aching lies within me, good fighting evil. inherent good fighting inherent evil.
this is why i say i could never kill a human being.
i don't believe any human still living is beyond the reach of light, of good.
but i could easily take up sword, alongside angels and warriors and valiants of old, looking my foe in the face, knowing that though they slay me, i am fighting for the defeat of evil.
i am fighting for the clutches to be loosed.
fighting for the darkness to be pierced.
fighting to save those who cannot yet see the light.

oh man....there is so much more to this. how much honor is found, to walk into the pit of death not to defend your name, not to defend your father's name, not to defend your city, but to sacrifice yourself to save the lives of countless others.

man i want to do this. i want to be a valiant warrior, with a stout heart. i want to be changed by it. i want to change with it. that my life might take up some meaning along with those who've gone before into the abyss, not knowing the outcome (or whether there might be one).

standing on the brink, i take a quick look behind me and see those walking into the same battle. i look before me and see a glimpse of hope, a light into the faces of those who might still be saved.

and i don't mean to stop. i don't mean to give up, until death take me, or there are none left to fight for.
our Captain never meant for us to lie beneath some already hewn body, waiting for the horn to signal the end.
He meant for us to take up arms, to march into the blows of our enemy, suffering pain and all things dark.

you see, our souls are filled with light. we've already found it. or rather, it has found us. how could we be so selfish as to keep it to ourselves?

as your body is broken and given and poured out, so is your light. poured into those you are fighting. and maybe, your light spilled out can yet grasp them.

so why do we run? why do we believe it's up to someone else?
"a job for the victors" one says
"for the brave, the courageous" says another
"the powerful must fight!"
"the leaders, let them go. it's their responsibility"

we've forgotten the cause for our battle. pick up your sword. perhaps the feel of it will remind you why you fight, what you send your leaders to achieve. perhaps in grasping it, really looking at it, you'll remember you've been sleeping. and as you hear the battle cry, you'll remember that someone fought for you. take up your arms and fight beside your Captain, your King!

today

i want to:
snuggle with penny
go to the beach, even if it's cold
take a walk with ben seavey
or sit on the porch, drinking coffee, rain comin down
sing a song about carolina
drink my entire cup of tea before it gets cold
savor the yellow in the air
get married
bake crackers
hang out with my sister
hang out with my other sister
sit in the seavey's living room and talk for hours
go to the wimbish's house, talking to mira while ben and david cook something amazing
have a game night...like the good ole days
be the best photographer in the world
wait outside a store while i see ben coming from a mile away to come get me in his yellow taxi, smiling or singing or dancing
go to pet land and play with little lab puppies
feel important
make potato salad with (for)  bees knees
do something holiday-ish
eat some really awesome bread
talk about food with ben seavey...no one else gets it
make tomato soup
climb a tree
feel as warm as i feel right now forever
give ben's cheek a little kiss
laugh hysterically with cindy
sneeze..a really good one
know i made someone happy
learn!
get a really big hug from someone...a human someone. not just dogs
enjoy my family
take an award winning photograph
have leaves fall all over me
bless someone

yesterday

was a horrible day


man, just awful awful awful. painful painful painful. and no escape from it either. until my dad came home and a flood of peace fell over my whole house.
i'm so thankful for a father who looks like my Father. :)

anyways, as i was leaving the house of my friend who had called me over to come make pastry cream, i started thinking to myself...

how amazing is it to have a friend that completely accepts me?
what a gift, an inexplicable gift...the sense of home i have with her. a little taste of Home.
to be completely, unconditionally loved and nurtured and encouraged and lifted up.

thanks friend


oh, p.s. i'm super happy because two of my photos sold on etsy!

man is a giddy thing

i find it interesting that after knowing ben's parents for 7 years and living with them for one, my mother in law would tell me she was surprised that i was such a sensitive person.
she said that i'm so outgoing that it seems strange that the two would go together.

truthfully, i'm terrified of rejection. i don't know if it's just in this last year, since i've become an adult and realized that there is pain in the world, or if it's been my whole life.
i would probably say my whole life.
it's one thing to know you are sensitive.
it's another thing to be reminded of it every time you have a reaction to something.
and you know that reminded may really be a reminder, but it somehow feels like an accusation.

"you are different, and it's wrong. become like me.
no one has ever said this to me.

but of course, i internalize everything. in my head, this is what i hear.
it's hard to be this way.

one of my dear friends told me that my sensitive heart is a gift. some days i have a hard time believing that.
i want to believe it. i want to believe it is a good thing, and that God uses it to bless people.

but some days i just have a hard time believing it. all those "reminders" come up like rough finernails, picking old scabs raw. but if i tell you that it hurt when you told me that, i'm just feeding this idea of yours that there is something wrong with me.

now, ben is very different than me in this aspect. even though he is more introverted, he doesn't struggle with this. i can tell we are growing though, because somehow this sensitivity has become less of a problem. walls are being broken in this relationship, i am becoming more trusting, he is becoming more patient, more understanding.

but it's one thing to do that with one person. it's taken so long to work on this. now i have to learn to do that with countless others? seems like a mountain far too high for me to ever reach the top.

you know why i'm writing this in my blog right? because if i told it to someone's face, it would never come out. i would be terrified of how you would take it. how you would react.

i realized, talking to my good friend the other night, all these things i've been thinking about marriage. i ended up telling her that i want to figure it all out now in order to protect myself from pain later. i'm actually trying to do something completely impossible, to protect myself from pain.

how is it possible that i can be so content with becoming uncomfortable (awkward situations, giving up personal luxury, having to trust God for food and money and not knowing what the next day holds or if i will make it to the airport in tel aviv to get back to costa rica)
but when it comes to pain, i do all that i can to get away from it.

have i been so badly hurt in my life that i run screaming if i can smell it coming? i have hardly anything to complain about in my life.

so what is it that makes me doubt myself when someone reacts a certain way? you know how people say "don't worry about what other people think"?
yeah i can't do that. what other people think means an incredible amount to me. partly because i know Who i represent and don't want to do that poorly
but partly because i'm scared of not being enough. what if you see me, really, i let myself be vulnerable with you and you hurt me?
what if i show you who i am and you don't like it?
what if i'm not enough?

that's the question i'm constantly asking myself. people say "it only matters what God thinks."
i know that essentially, that's true
but i don't think any human being could deny the desire to know they are valuable.
i think that's what God means when He said "i have put eternity into the hearts of all men"

it's this desire that leads me to Him.

i'm so thankful that after a life of struggling with this idea, this fear of not being enough, finally He has shown me that for Him, i am indeed enough.

finally i have at least that freedom, to be myself with Him. to trust Him. He is trust worthy. He has shown that to me full-well.

and now i'm putting this out here, my heart. this is probably the most i've put my heart out there. for the first time, i feel like i've actually said all that i want to say. and any one can read it. please, don't hurt it.

oh yeah, and when it comes to photography, i want to be good. i mean really good. i want to push myself, i want to be challenged. i don't want to settle. i want to be good. you know?

part of my Ansel Adams tribute

leaves and marriage

what an amazing day.
the kind that overwhelms you.
i guess i could say that every day. at least i hope to.

but today is different. i woke up to the sounds of deep thunder.
opened my window and the sky was the perfect grey, accenting the orange trees.
now i sit here, sipping my tea, john mark singing to Him, singing to me,
as the yellow leaves falls in unison, dancing to the music.

it hits one part of the street at a time. like a round. peters house down the street is dancing to this part, now moving upstreet to lisa and shaunas house. fluttering, like a ballet.
now my house. perfectly timed.
reminds me of the nutcracker, when mandy took me to denver, and we froze and changed our clothes in the car after eating panda express. we got so lost, and had to walk so far in the snow in our nice shoes. but we made it!
it was magical.

i love memories. they are a gift. usually the memory of something is much more rich than the actual time itself.
i'm sure that night we were frustrated, getting lost, trying to find directions.but in my mind it was a beautiful night.

sometimes the desire for something becomes more important than the something itself.
the fact that we can desire, the fact that we can, do indeed long, proves to me that there is more for us.

"He has set eternity in the hearts of all men"
that means those longings, are longings for home.

o! the word home. to be home. have you ever felt a moment when you knew you were having a taste of home?
ben is my taste of home. not always, granted. he is by no means perfect. but those times cindy i've told you about, when i'm putting my vulnerable heart out there for the word to say what they will, and he says what He has told him to say.

cindy, our times together is home for me.
aunt barb, sitting in your living room, pouring out my fears to seek your advice, is home to me.
veanez, you and i have pretty different homes. the layout would be totally different. the way we take care of our homes completely different.
but you prune me. you sharpen me. we have the same home. it just looks different. :) but He is our home. He is our common.

now penny joins me in my little outdoor haven. the world is still for a minute. john mark sings about the blood of a husband silencing wars.

i'm getting ready to be a bride. and i have a husband waiting for me. it's overwhelming, this idea of a man wanting to be my husband. wanting to come beside me, to look to me and say "this is good"
it's the most beautiful illustration of Home.
someone loves me enough to pick me out of others, to even at times be overwhelmed by me.
is it possible that my deepest longings are being spoken to, from Home through him?

to be amazed, to be overwhelmed, to stand in awe, brings me the greatest delight.
to be amazing, overwhelming, to cause awe...the root of every human heart.

to bring joy, that some would never have tasted had i not been born.
my husband here is helping me believe it, echoing my Husband at Home.

it's been a while

i'm sorry. to cindy and veanez, since they are the ones who currently read me :) (and my wonderful mother in law)

i'm listening to my friend's band playing on the radio and it's awesome.

i guess lately my life has been filled with an overwhelming sense of joy. it's great because it's not this feeling. well, okay i lied. sometimes it is this crazy feeling that i can't shake and i just have to smile or stop for a second or drive with my windows down.

but you know me: i'm moody. haha. i'm emotional. i'm hyper-sensitive. but guess what?
lately, when i get down, i stop and remember this beautiful truth: God knows me. He loves me. He wants to hang out with me. He understands me.

this past week when i went to greensboro, He told me in such a loud way, like He got on top of a huge mountain (pikes peak? cotopaxi?) and said "Sarah, guess what? this is how much i love you! here you go:

and He sat me down next to benjamin.
and that's how i know that He loves me.
i laughed and i was overwhelmed by love in a way i never knew!

He brought me all of my best friends, my family into one room, in a surprise and just drenched me with waves and waves of water-love. i cried and cried and i'm gonna cry again.
and do you know why?
because behind all this people love i was overwhelmed with, He is saying "sarah i love you. i know you"

He gave me good buddy time with veanez. it's been hard being without her. good, but hard. it was so nice to be together, to enjoy that part of my heart.

and today, i got to climb a tree! i found this beautiful world i had never seen.
i talked to a guy in the parking lot, and he asked me (almost exactly like how it says in the bible) where my joy came from. where my smile came from.
GOD!
it's so overwhelming.
partly because He is gracious enough to let me feel it.
and partly because He is encouraging me to know it when i don't feel it.
and partly because He is wooing me! He is teaching me to trust Him.
and He is indeed trustworthy.

i was driving today and i said "thank you that you are my best friend"
because i actually meant it.
i spent the afternoon taking a drive with my Understander.
it feels so good to be understood.

and the thing is, He knows my questions too.
He hears them, and sometimes i only want to ask Him.
but He can handle them. and that's why our relationship is so good. because i can ask.
He doesn't always answer, but i can ask.

i know there is more too. at every second i know there is more lurking around this corridor, and at any given moment i discover a little more.
i'm always being subjected to these thoughts, that go deeper.
i'm not satisfied with how things are.
i'm going to be different.
and for the first time in my life, i actually want it for His sake and not mine.
i want to change the WORLD!

cause i'm realizing how lost we are. and how beautiful He is.

it's what we live for!

i was just thinking,
this world is so beautiful i could cry.
and then i turned on "come thou fount" by sufjan stevens.

and i've got the shivers.
i used to think there was the LORD and then there was beauty.
now i've discovered they are one in the same.
when i see beauty, i see Him.

"i see your face, You're beautiful"
yes-i see beauty. i see His face.

it's incredible. it's a dog on the street. it is the snow on the peak hiding behind the clouds. it's music.
it's light and color. it's people. man.....oh man. people. PEOPLE. ask me what i love.
people
ask me what my calling is.
people
ask me what i want to devote my life to.
people
ask me what my inspiration is.
people

oh man. people. God knew what He was doing when He made people.
most people think, oh God is so upset that He made people. or why did He make them so imperfect?
only to show us how beautiful they could be.
so that when we see them and look into their faces, we see Him.
His face.
He's beautiful.
oooh.

i ate breakfast with cindy this morning. she is beautiful.
i spent the weekend with veanez.
she is beautiful.
i laughed with ben. he is beautiful!
i got to talk to my mother in law. she is beautiful.
mira joy is beautiful.
david's love is beautiful.
christina is beautiful.
and it's all Him.

today i tried to save a runaway/lost dog.
after posting a lost notification on craigslist, i found out she lives two doors down and was just out for a pee.
but she was beautiful.
the trees are beautiful.
the blue birds are beautiful.
hugs are beautiful, and so necessary.
intimacy is beautiful.
thankfulness is beautiful.
and i think i'm beautiful too...

He is so beautiful

what it means to have

have you ever realized that God is in love with you?
it just sneaks up on you, unexpected and all of a sudden you are overwhelmed because you've discovered that God, the person that everyone in the world is looking for, asking about, hoping exists,
is in love with you.

it's incredible.
and that's how this weekend was.
love,
after love,
after love
after love

piling up, and pressing on me till eventually i couldn't hold it in and it just jumps out of me.
and it's beautiful.
and it's making me beautiful.

it's knowing that even when things sucks, they are not beyond hope. even if it's hard, you're in it together and so you can still enjoy it.
even when you are fighting or you don't understand Him, you HAVE Him.
you are free to feel joy, because you have Him.

i'm talking about God. but i'm learning this will apply to marriage too.
and that's another beauty. everything is expressing Him. everything is telling me more about Him.

you have each other. you are struggling, it's hard, it's painful. but you HAVE each other.
it's beautiful.

i have a man. i'm amazed. i'm thankful. i'm blessed. i'm joyful!

"but what if i'm not worthy?
-you have made me clean"

joy: penny and sarah's breakfast photo shoot

this morning i had oatmeal.
that means that this morning, penny loved me.
that dog will stick by your side through thick and thin...as long as you have something edible in your hand.
most dogs don't like fruit, or healthy snacks.
most dogs also don't have jaw problems when they chew.
if you haven't seen penny eat, you really should sometime.
it's pretty hilarious.
she is so excited to be eating, but it takes about 15 minutes to eat one piece of baby carrot, because it keeps popping out of her mouth :)

so this morning we spent some quality time together on the back deck, and the sun was hitting her so lovely, so i took pictures.
what a way to start the day?
dog
oatmeal
sunshine
camera
God

here you go!:

tonight

something occurred to me tonight:
when you are the student of someone, you are in awe of them. you cherish their words. you respect them. you look up to them. you value them, and make sure they know it.

on the other side of things, when you teach someone you feel incredibly valued, accepted. someone really is thriving off of the things i can share with them! i can teach! i can help! i am worth something.

but when you are friends with someone, once you get to that same playing field, you all of a sudden become defensive. no longer do you heed their advice: you challenge it. you begin to make sure they are aware of their faults, and the praise comes in less frequent batches.

since when was encouragement wrong? i discovered tonight, i actually fear relationships moving from a mentoring stage to a same playing field stage. i've been hurt so many times by it that i'm actually scared of it.
it happens with no warning. they don't tell you "oh, i've grown so now, that your advice is a challenge, no longer a wise direction."

it's hard. i don't know if i'm wrong for feeling this way.
but if there is anything about myself i value, it's letting you know what i'm struggling with, and not putting a face on it.
i'm not going to pretend i'm okay with it, because it really does hurt.

i can't be alone in this

past couple of days have been kind of hard. not quite sure why-they just feel rather heavy.

that's why i love it when john mark mcmillan sings to me "one day when i'm free i will sit cripple at your table, cripple at your side.
and i sit beside you!"

obviously, he doesn't mean me :) he means Him

world feels lonely...could be cause i'm growing up and it's hitting me hard in the center of the chest. kind of catches your breath and won't give it back.

peter pan says it well when fighting cap'n Jas Hook: I'm youth! I'm joy! I'm the little bird that has broken out of the egg.

can i stay a baby bird all my life? flying looked fun at one point, but today, it's mighty windy out there, and these wings are pretty shaken.

"one day when i'm free..."
thanks JMM.

the blood of a husband silences wars for the girl who rises to meet Him :)

today

it is GLORIOUS outside today.
i decided to take little kenny on a walk today, drinking my cup of stash chai with a dabble of milk.
we toured the neighborhood, taking streets i'd never been on, seeing houses i'd never stopped to notice.

then we spotted it: the worlds most beautiful house, shining in all it's glory.
i literally couldn't believe my eyes. we walked closer to get a better view.
i stood there, awestruck.  how can a house so beautiful, so perfect exist?

the irony of it was that the green house two doors down has been shut down, due to the discovery of a meth lab.
across the street lies cedarwood health care center, where residence live, not in the greatest conditions.

this is the street i know my family would have a heart attack if i lived on it.
it's dirty...it's dangerous.
it's...lovely.

outside of the world's most beautiful house is the world's most perfect tree.
the sky is blue! and the tree is full of beautiful green leaves! the light is shining through them and lighting up the entire street.
this street may be dangerous
it may be dirty
but this one house of beauty brings a light to it incomparable.

i would live in this house

my first wedding

not my own, but my first as a photographer!

i've spent the past month with what little time i could find using my dad's computer to sort through all of Craig and Tricia's photos. finally this week i got my own computer and i'm able to go through them all myself whenever i want.

so here is just a taste. this is probably my favorite photo from the night:

my own identity

as of last night, i realized a struggle i've lived with my entire life.
as of two seconds ago, i'm starting to think maybe it's not just me.

i'm learning, through multiple conversations that the work my dad does is really hard. he puts heart and strength and time into creating his classes, developing his topic, producing lectures.
so when his material is delivered and then credited to someone other than himself, it's really hard.

"i want my own identity" he just confessed to me.

all of a sudden, it all made sense. this struggle has been my constant companion since i began talking (and i was deemed "motor-mouth" at the age of 2).

i want to be my own person. i want to be appreciated for being myself. i want to be different, and have that mean something, make an impact!

i want to be myself, and i wnt that to be enough. so when that is challenged, i become defensive, to the point of where i was last night.
but what i want to know is why is this issue to close to my heart? why do we want so badly to be ourselves?

could it be that God actually created me to be myself, and no one else? could it be that He is completely satisfied with who i am? could it be that He made me to be a certain way, to be a certain person and all that He wants is for me to become that person?

to be fully myself, i believe i might understand Him more.

LORD, give me the freedom to let go and accept this

welcome to my photoblog

i
love
life

the world is beautiful, especially the details in it.
we never stop to see how intricate they are.
i've taken it upon myself to show you.

so here it goes :)

maybe everyday you will see one new picture, maybe you'll see 5!

simply, i am myself. i am who i am, reflected in the face of I AM.
i hope you enjoy what you see, cause i am showing you Him.

i love lighting
i love angles
i love quirky
i love color
i love close up
i love details
i love YOU