penny unabashedly rubs her face in the grass

and i hope to feel this way forever

today is a gift:
it's warm enough to sit out in my front yard with my dog
there is just a slight breeze, moving my hair across my face, but not enough to make me cold
penny is meandering about the yard, the last flashes of pink fading from the sky
it's been a day of reflection; i used to be great at reflection but as we've discovered, i live a lot of my life out of fear.
and reflection means exactly that: dealing with things that have gone on, digger deeper into them, figuring out why they feel the way they feel.
i think if i wouldn't have read part of surprised by joy, today would be much more discouraging.
c.s. lewis deals with that idea where you are doing an every-day sort of thing and something just hits you! it awakens some deep longing within you and before you can really grasp what it is, it's already leaving and you're trying to figure out how to feel that way again.
the thing though is that a lot of times that feeling of desire is a sad one.
but you would rather feel that feeling again more than anything else in the world.
try explaining one of these happenings to someone else. you can't do it.
i used to feel these a whole lot more.
but when i'm scared of reflecting, when i'm scared of being alone i forget to take the time to feel it.

i'm at this place, where i feel like i'm sliding down a slowly descending cliff which you can't get a good enough grip to climb back up.

but even in this moment, right now, it doesn't matter because the wind is blowing my hair ever so gently, and a longing is stirred in me...
this may be one of the longest times those longings have lasted.
i can't tell you what the desire is for.
not definitively at least.
but i'm pretty sure that somewhere someone is calling me home as i'm making my way up the mountain going further and further in.
a faint voice plays over the wind  like a group of lovers calling to their mates on the other side of the mountain.
and it's beautiful
and somehow, i've forgotten to stop and listen to it.
but today i did.
today, through my pain, through a deep sense of rejection, through these burdens, i've heard it.
i was talking to my friend anna today.
she was telling me about some mistakes she made in her life. but through the pain of dealing with those mistakes, something in her heart was awoken. she actually referred to this time of pain as the time where she decided to go back to the faith of her childhood.
how incredible!
we talked for a bit over our tea and chocolates how our pain isn't a punishment from God, but an awakening.
anna said "we can't know light without knowing darkness"

we can't know joy without knowing pain


"He has cheated hell and seated us above the fall
in desperate places He paid our wages
one time once and for all"

this gets me so much more excited about getting married to ben.
i'm reminded of the depth of our love and commitment, reflecting on the idea of knowing joy through pain.