feelings

i think i need a break
or a change
or just something

i feel solemn today
and it's hard being confronted by two people asking if something is wrong by the look on my face
and granted, i just started taking birth control, so maybe that is affecting me and i don't even realize it
and i've been listening to deeply emotional 90's hits, which could have an effect as well

today is one of those days where i just want to make sure i am who i am, you know?
that feeling, you just want to be with that person you can just be yourself with
and the thought of being with someone that would take effort weighs you down


and maybe there is just a lot on my mind. but maybe there isn't
i'm incredibly indecisive about how i'm feeling today
i just want to sit, perhaps in colorado, perhaps next to my dad, perhaps next to penny
to just sit and be me
possibly be just a little too emotional, a little over dramatic
possibly just give out one of those screams that they do in movies at the height of the conflict
but not for any reason
sometimes it just feels good to feel
so maybe today i just want to feel
i want to check out and feel by myself because i have friends who would tell me i don't need to feel cause nothing is going on that makes me need to feel
so maybe i'll go rent one of those movies about grief and feel really deep

sorry i'm such a poo today

maybe it will get better

this is my blog

and because of that i'm going to treat it like so.
dictionary.com says a blog is "a web site containing the writer's or group of writers' own experiences, observations, opinions, etc"

judging by that, i have the freedom to express myself, and i'm going to.
right now, i guess you could say i'm fed up, though i'm not sure of what.
maybe it's a mixture of things.
yeah, it's a mixture of things.
i'm sitting outside, where it's beautiful. i'm so glad i'm out here, i'm so glad i have this bench to sit on.
but there is a siren going off right down the road, and it just stopped somewhere near the house. 
this bothers me, because that means something bad is happening somewhere, and don't you ever just get to the point where you can't take any more bad things?


also, there's...well, this is the tough one to talk about. but perhaps this is the one that's getting at me the most.
i love God. i have a relationship with him, and it's great.
i'm just so sick of christianity right now.
i'm so sick of the radio and the songs they play (and i haven't even been listening!)
i'm so sick of southern christianity which has so much more to do with appearances and teaching your children how to follow rules and obey you than about being intimate with the living God.
i'm so sick of people talking one way, and acting another. 
i'm sick of feeling like i'm not good enough, not doing enough.
not listening to enough worship music.
not tithing enough.
not reading my bible enough.
not going to church enough.
not doing enough ministry.
not saying "praise God" enough.
or making a point of bringing every conversation i have back to him.


the thing is that i have this little problem, where i care what people think.
or i care what i assume people think.
they probably aren't even thinking it.
but it still bothers me.


i am me.
i am myself.
just me.
and i want to know that that's enough.
i wish i were surrounded by more people who see things the way i do, because it's discouraging.
am i not christiany enough to call myself a christian?
well good. i don't want to be. i don't want it to be about what i call myself.
i don't want it to be about these outward, physical appearances.
oh my gosh, is she drinking a beer?
did that song just say the f word?
is that tattoo real?
did she just go into the bar with those guys?
the primary concern in my commitment to Christ isn't to live a pleasing life.
is that wrong?
i don't think so.
my primary concern is to know him. for us to know each other.
yeah sure, my life is supposed to be transformed, but do you think that comes from decisions we make?
do i make myself good?
do i read the bible and analyze, saying "what can i get out of this to make myself better?"
no.
i'm sick of that.
i want to read the bible to know him
i want to live my every day life out of knowing him.
not of figuring how to better myself.
how to disassociate myself with the world.
"can't be seen in there any more. might mess with my reputation"
why are we as christians so worried about looking so dang perfect all the time?
i really urge you to talk to your non-christian friends.
you'll find out that want to see sincerity. 
sometimes i worry that my opinions are just totally off, and that i don't know God well enough. 
i know some people might argue that i don't. 
it just seems to strange that so little people are asking all these questions.
or maybe we're scared to ask them.
maybe we're scared to doubt the system.
screw the system!

today i was talking with my father in law, and it was great. he was telling me about something that happened to him today, and it made me realize something.


see, at least in evangelical america, we want results. this country very much depends on progress. we do things, expecting that they eventually will end when they've come to their full purpose: movies, tv shows, surgeries, housework, bible studies, counseling sessions, jobs, marriages. 
just so that we can move on to the next thing.
if there isn't an end in sight, we get scared.
so what if God is asking us to commit to something, and he's not going to show you results, he won't show you the progress chart?
what if he doesn't care about what doing those things get you?
what if he has given us this life, primarily so we can know him?
and knowing him has no results, no progress to speak for it, no end in sight. 
knowing him is just knowing him.
knowing him, for the sake of knowing him.
and being known.


is this not the purpose of marriage?
the closer i get, the more i began thinking "okay, what's going to be our ministry? we have to come up with something. we have to have a goal. we have to have an end in sight, so we can judge ourselves and see if we're coming close."

it hit me the other day that from the day i get married, ben is my ministry. he is the most important ministry i have. my commitment to him, my daily sacrifice is my primary ministry. i am entrusted with his heart. and this ministry is not in any way less important than helping the homeless and hungry. this is what God has entrusted me with.


but then i thought, if he is my ministry when i get married, why isn't he now?
these are incredible thoughts to pass through the mind of a girl who grew up believing there was only room in her heart of either God or a man.
it was like...the love in a commitment between a man and woman wasn't worthy of any respect. like it wasn't godly enough.
God allows it, but it's merely permissible. "all things are permissible, not all are beneficial."
like my commitment to ben was this earthly desire.


yet the commitment of a man and a woman laying themselves down for each other is one of the most holy relationships God has given us, as a model of his commitment to us. 


so maybe someday, ben and i will find some ministry that we love and are commitment to. but none will ever be as important that my daily commitment to him. 


i think this is why even so many christian marriages end: believing that their purpose is to come from outside the marriage. 
if God has called you to marriage, it's not something to take lightly. 
this doesn't mean i don't desire other ministry. in fact, i have the desire for so many.
but i can't let those get in the way of seeing what has been placed in front of me every day.
this is a beautiful relationship, but incredibly challenging.
and the commitment to serve and sacrifice in the midst of that brings about an incredible spiritual growth in action that i believe is more powerful often times that reading the bible for 10 minutes a day.


love in action.


so tell me, if you think i'm wrong.
i've made a point in educating myself and asking questions. so maybe i've got it all wrong. or maybe God really has revealed this to me because it's actually truth.

i'm back, but i can't guarantee for how long

dear mr. blog:
i don't hate you
it's crazy to think about how much time we've spent apart lately.
i miss the good ole days in colorado where i had free time just around every corner (as well as a wet little doggie nose for my constant companion)
life lately...i can't sum it up in words. maybe that's why i've been avoiding you.
i feel like i haven't taken time lately to just...be me.
to just sit and enjoy living.
don't get me wrong. i love the life i live and i'm enjoying it.
but it's like the days aren't long enough.
and i have all these responsibilities.
as soon as one is through with, there pops up another.
and i don't want to be responsible.
i just want to be selfish and live life for me all suck all the marrow out of it.
that's really what i want.
bu that's not what's been asked of me.
i told ben last night that i enjoy having this purpose every day, that i am responsible to another person. it keeps me in check. i can't just live life selfishly.
but i miss it.
let's think about it. in colorado, i loved it. i was responsible to no one (except my dogs i fostered).
i could go where i wanted, dependent on no one else.
i seem to have lost that here.
and i don't think that's a bad thing. it's probably a good thing, because in two and a half months from now, for the rest of my life, no matter what happens, i am no longer just myself.
i am half of a couple.
more so than i am now.
and that means, i have to give up being selfish.
but i miss it so much.
driving where i want to go because i want to.
eating schauss and sipping coffee and reading lord of the rings all afternoon, just because i want to.
talking to anyone, making friends anywhere, just because i love to.
spending the afternoons with penny in the car, bonking her head every time i take a turn :)
(maybe that's why she is ditzy)
my sister told me that one of the awesome things about marriage is because you realize you are selfish in ways you never knew, and you can address them.
it's like this mirror that shows you what you need to work on.
but this mirror loves you and accepts you even though you aren't what you might want to be just yet.
man it's crazy...to realize what this marriage really is going to be.
God is calling me to something so much greater than myself.
i don't even have to overspiritualize things to realize that my primary commitment, service and sacrifice is to ben.
as a kid who grew up believing it was impossible to love God and a man at the same time, this makes itself a beautiful revelation.
the task God has called me to is the primary care of a man. of a man who loves me. of a man who understands me. of a man who knows me. of a man who presses my buttons just because he likes to see me get angry. of a man who i respect.

and he trusts me with his heart.
man.
this is an incredible responsibility. and guess what? i'll probably screw it up a little bit.
but you know what's wonderful?
he's not expecting me to do it perfectly.
ben trusts me with his heart, knowing i won't always go easy.
he gives it to me, even though he knows i'm going to hurt him.
he still gives it to me.
man, it's like...Jesus chose to give himself up, he entrusted his heart to people he knew would never accept him. He gave himself up, totally vulnerable in front of a world full of people who would reject it.
i don't believe he stood there self-righteously, snickering "well, fine then. i shake my feet of your dust, and i'll watch you cough on it"

o, no. he gave it all though he knew we would break it up, toss it around, let it slip, temporarily let go, purposefully crush it.

man...i'm so glad that i'm love by a man and a God, the love from both is the same love, expressed directly, and indirectly, all coming from the same place.