man is a giddy thing

i find it interesting that after knowing ben's parents for 7 years and living with them for one, my mother in law would tell me she was surprised that i was such a sensitive person.
she said that i'm so outgoing that it seems strange that the two would go together.

truthfully, i'm terrified of rejection. i don't know if it's just in this last year, since i've become an adult and realized that there is pain in the world, or if it's been my whole life.
i would probably say my whole life.
it's one thing to know you are sensitive.
it's another thing to be reminded of it every time you have a reaction to something.
and you know that reminded may really be a reminder, but it somehow feels like an accusation.

"you are different, and it's wrong. become like me.
no one has ever said this to me.

but of course, i internalize everything. in my head, this is what i hear.
it's hard to be this way.

one of my dear friends told me that my sensitive heart is a gift. some days i have a hard time believing that.
i want to believe it. i want to believe it is a good thing, and that God uses it to bless people.

but some days i just have a hard time believing it. all those "reminders" come up like rough finernails, picking old scabs raw. but if i tell you that it hurt when you told me that, i'm just feeding this idea of yours that there is something wrong with me.

now, ben is very different than me in this aspect. even though he is more introverted, he doesn't struggle with this. i can tell we are growing though, because somehow this sensitivity has become less of a problem. walls are being broken in this relationship, i am becoming more trusting, he is becoming more patient, more understanding.

but it's one thing to do that with one person. it's taken so long to work on this. now i have to learn to do that with countless others? seems like a mountain far too high for me to ever reach the top.

you know why i'm writing this in my blog right? because if i told it to someone's face, it would never come out. i would be terrified of how you would take it. how you would react.

i realized, talking to my good friend the other night, all these things i've been thinking about marriage. i ended up telling her that i want to figure it all out now in order to protect myself from pain later. i'm actually trying to do something completely impossible, to protect myself from pain.

how is it possible that i can be so content with becoming uncomfortable (awkward situations, giving up personal luxury, having to trust God for food and money and not knowing what the next day holds or if i will make it to the airport in tel aviv to get back to costa rica)
but when it comes to pain, i do all that i can to get away from it.

have i been so badly hurt in my life that i run screaming if i can smell it coming? i have hardly anything to complain about in my life.

so what is it that makes me doubt myself when someone reacts a certain way? you know how people say "don't worry about what other people think"?
yeah i can't do that. what other people think means an incredible amount to me. partly because i know Who i represent and don't want to do that poorly
but partly because i'm scared of not being enough. what if you see me, really, i let myself be vulnerable with you and you hurt me?
what if i show you who i am and you don't like it?
what if i'm not enough?

that's the question i'm constantly asking myself. people say "it only matters what God thinks."
i know that essentially, that's true
but i don't think any human being could deny the desire to know they are valuable.
i think that's what God means when He said "i have put eternity into the hearts of all men"

it's this desire that leads me to Him.

i'm so thankful that after a life of struggling with this idea, this fear of not being enough, finally He has shown me that for Him, i am indeed enough.

finally i have at least that freedom, to be myself with Him. to trust Him. He is trust worthy. He has shown that to me full-well.

and now i'm putting this out here, my heart. this is probably the most i've put my heart out there. for the first time, i feel like i've actually said all that i want to say. and any one can read it. please, don't hurt it.

oh yeah, and when it comes to photography, i want to be good. i mean really good. i want to push myself, i want to be challenged. i don't want to settle. i want to be good. you know?

part of my Ansel Adams tribute

leaves and marriage

what an amazing day.
the kind that overwhelms you.
i guess i could say that every day. at least i hope to.

but today is different. i woke up to the sounds of deep thunder.
opened my window and the sky was the perfect grey, accenting the orange trees.
now i sit here, sipping my tea, john mark singing to Him, singing to me,
as the yellow leaves falls in unison, dancing to the music.

it hits one part of the street at a time. like a round. peters house down the street is dancing to this part, now moving upstreet to lisa and shaunas house. fluttering, like a ballet.
now my house. perfectly timed.
reminds me of the nutcracker, when mandy took me to denver, and we froze and changed our clothes in the car after eating panda express. we got so lost, and had to walk so far in the snow in our nice shoes. but we made it!
it was magical.

i love memories. they are a gift. usually the memory of something is much more rich than the actual time itself.
i'm sure that night we were frustrated, getting lost, trying to find directions.but in my mind it was a beautiful night.

sometimes the desire for something becomes more important than the something itself.
the fact that we can desire, the fact that we can, do indeed long, proves to me that there is more for us.

"He has set eternity in the hearts of all men"
that means those longings, are longings for home.

o! the word home. to be home. have you ever felt a moment when you knew you were having a taste of home?
ben is my taste of home. not always, granted. he is by no means perfect. but those times cindy i've told you about, when i'm putting my vulnerable heart out there for the word to say what they will, and he says what He has told him to say.

cindy, our times together is home for me.
aunt barb, sitting in your living room, pouring out my fears to seek your advice, is home to me.
veanez, you and i have pretty different homes. the layout would be totally different. the way we take care of our homes completely different.
but you prune me. you sharpen me. we have the same home. it just looks different. :) but He is our home. He is our common.

now penny joins me in my little outdoor haven. the world is still for a minute. john mark sings about the blood of a husband silencing wars.

i'm getting ready to be a bride. and i have a husband waiting for me. it's overwhelming, this idea of a man wanting to be my husband. wanting to come beside me, to look to me and say "this is good"
it's the most beautiful illustration of Home.
someone loves me enough to pick me out of others, to even at times be overwhelmed by me.
is it possible that my deepest longings are being spoken to, from Home through him?

to be amazed, to be overwhelmed, to stand in awe, brings me the greatest delight.
to be amazing, overwhelming, to cause awe...the root of every human heart.

to bring joy, that some would never have tasted had i not been born.
my husband here is helping me believe it, echoing my Husband at Home.

it's been a while

i'm sorry. to cindy and veanez, since they are the ones who currently read me :) (and my wonderful mother in law)

i'm listening to my friend's band playing on the radio and it's awesome.

i guess lately my life has been filled with an overwhelming sense of joy. it's great because it's not this feeling. well, okay i lied. sometimes it is this crazy feeling that i can't shake and i just have to smile or stop for a second or drive with my windows down.

but you know me: i'm moody. haha. i'm emotional. i'm hyper-sensitive. but guess what?
lately, when i get down, i stop and remember this beautiful truth: God knows me. He loves me. He wants to hang out with me. He understands me.

this past week when i went to greensboro, He told me in such a loud way, like He got on top of a huge mountain (pikes peak? cotopaxi?) and said "Sarah, guess what? this is how much i love you! here you go:

and He sat me down next to benjamin.
and that's how i know that He loves me.
i laughed and i was overwhelmed by love in a way i never knew!

He brought me all of my best friends, my family into one room, in a surprise and just drenched me with waves and waves of water-love. i cried and cried and i'm gonna cry again.
and do you know why?
because behind all this people love i was overwhelmed with, He is saying "sarah i love you. i know you"

He gave me good buddy time with veanez. it's been hard being without her. good, but hard. it was so nice to be together, to enjoy that part of my heart.

and today, i got to climb a tree! i found this beautiful world i had never seen.
i talked to a guy in the parking lot, and he asked me (almost exactly like how it says in the bible) where my joy came from. where my smile came from.
GOD!
it's so overwhelming.
partly because He is gracious enough to let me feel it.
and partly because He is encouraging me to know it when i don't feel it.
and partly because He is wooing me! He is teaching me to trust Him.
and He is indeed trustworthy.

i was driving today and i said "thank you that you are my best friend"
because i actually meant it.
i spent the afternoon taking a drive with my Understander.
it feels so good to be understood.

and the thing is, He knows my questions too.
He hears them, and sometimes i only want to ask Him.
but He can handle them. and that's why our relationship is so good. because i can ask.
He doesn't always answer, but i can ask.

i know there is more too. at every second i know there is more lurking around this corridor, and at any given moment i discover a little more.
i'm always being subjected to these thoughts, that go deeper.
i'm not satisfied with how things are.
i'm going to be different.
and for the first time in my life, i actually want it for His sake and not mine.
i want to change the WORLD!

cause i'm realizing how lost we are. and how beautiful He is.

it's what we live for!

i was just thinking,
this world is so beautiful i could cry.
and then i turned on "come thou fount" by sufjan stevens.

and i've got the shivers.
i used to think there was the LORD and then there was beauty.
now i've discovered they are one in the same.
when i see beauty, i see Him.

"i see your face, You're beautiful"
yes-i see beauty. i see His face.

it's incredible. it's a dog on the street. it is the snow on the peak hiding behind the clouds. it's music.
it's light and color. it's people. man.....oh man. people. PEOPLE. ask me what i love.
people
ask me what my calling is.
people
ask me what i want to devote my life to.
people
ask me what my inspiration is.
people

oh man. people. God knew what He was doing when He made people.
most people think, oh God is so upset that He made people. or why did He make them so imperfect?
only to show us how beautiful they could be.
so that when we see them and look into their faces, we see Him.
His face.
He's beautiful.
oooh.

i ate breakfast with cindy this morning. she is beautiful.
i spent the weekend with veanez.
she is beautiful.
i laughed with ben. he is beautiful!
i got to talk to my mother in law. she is beautiful.
mira joy is beautiful.
david's love is beautiful.
christina is beautiful.
and it's all Him.

today i tried to save a runaway/lost dog.
after posting a lost notification on craigslist, i found out she lives two doors down and was just out for a pee.
but she was beautiful.
the trees are beautiful.
the blue birds are beautiful.
hugs are beautiful, and so necessary.
intimacy is beautiful.
thankfulness is beautiful.
and i think i'm beautiful too...

He is so beautiful

what it means to have

have you ever realized that God is in love with you?
it just sneaks up on you, unexpected and all of a sudden you are overwhelmed because you've discovered that God, the person that everyone in the world is looking for, asking about, hoping exists,
is in love with you.

it's incredible.
and that's how this weekend was.
love,
after love,
after love
after love

piling up, and pressing on me till eventually i couldn't hold it in and it just jumps out of me.
and it's beautiful.
and it's making me beautiful.

it's knowing that even when things sucks, they are not beyond hope. even if it's hard, you're in it together and so you can still enjoy it.
even when you are fighting or you don't understand Him, you HAVE Him.
you are free to feel joy, because you have Him.

i'm talking about God. but i'm learning this will apply to marriage too.
and that's another beauty. everything is expressing Him. everything is telling me more about Him.

you have each other. you are struggling, it's hard, it's painful. but you HAVE each other.
it's beautiful.

i have a man. i'm amazed. i'm thankful. i'm blessed. i'm joyful!

"but what if i'm not worthy?
-you have made me clean"

joy: penny and sarah's breakfast photo shoot

this morning i had oatmeal.
that means that this morning, penny loved me.
that dog will stick by your side through thick and thin...as long as you have something edible in your hand.
most dogs don't like fruit, or healthy snacks.
most dogs also don't have jaw problems when they chew.
if you haven't seen penny eat, you really should sometime.
it's pretty hilarious.
she is so excited to be eating, but it takes about 15 minutes to eat one piece of baby carrot, because it keeps popping out of her mouth :)

so this morning we spent some quality time together on the back deck, and the sun was hitting her so lovely, so i took pictures.
what a way to start the day?
dog
oatmeal
sunshine
camera
God

here you go!:

tonight

something occurred to me tonight:
when you are the student of someone, you are in awe of them. you cherish their words. you respect them. you look up to them. you value them, and make sure they know it.

on the other side of things, when you teach someone you feel incredibly valued, accepted. someone really is thriving off of the things i can share with them! i can teach! i can help! i am worth something.

but when you are friends with someone, once you get to that same playing field, you all of a sudden become defensive. no longer do you heed their advice: you challenge it. you begin to make sure they are aware of their faults, and the praise comes in less frequent batches.

since when was encouragement wrong? i discovered tonight, i actually fear relationships moving from a mentoring stage to a same playing field stage. i've been hurt so many times by it that i'm actually scared of it.
it happens with no warning. they don't tell you "oh, i've grown so now, that your advice is a challenge, no longer a wise direction."

it's hard. i don't know if i'm wrong for feeling this way.
but if there is anything about myself i value, it's letting you know what i'm struggling with, and not putting a face on it.
i'm not going to pretend i'm okay with it, because it really does hurt.