ahhhhhhhh

the still sweet glories of an empty home

just me, devotchka and a delicious breakfast burrito for lunch
i breath a long draught of quiet air into my lungs and think "my what a lovely time, what a lovely day"
and just like that, in the precious moments i've managed to preserve for myself, i remember the most natural expression of myself: joy.

it's incredible what can happen within a person in 4 weeks. it's absolutely impossible for me to express it to you. (maybe that's why i've been avoiding this meeting)

healing. love, over love, over love, over love. i believe colorado was about love. a word, which in this case, is interchangeable with "intimacy".

at church this morning, sitting next to an old friend made new, it's like i was looking at God's heart, opened like a book before me. pointing out how every friend, every interaction, every long drive with penny through garden of the dogs, every meal shared over laughing tongues with cindy, every dish washed in my sister's sink, every pee stain on my boots from romeo's excitement, every cup of coffee taken at la baguette, every hike with my dad, every joke with my mom, every stillness with anna, every excruciating detail with olivia, every religion spoken of, every shared baked goods with shauna and lisa, every exchange of fresh air with scott and nadia...
it was all his love. over love. over love. over love.
and my, He is a good lover isn't He?

i realized this morning what i've craved more than anything since i've returned to north carolina.
i miss the company of people who don't check the "christian" box on a resume.
i crave the friendships, the intimacies, the depth of our relationships.

my heart has never felt more alive then when surrounded by those people. today, love over love over love.
i realized something. the intense, passionate exuberance that stirs deep within me when i'm surrounded by the "lost" people of this world is the same passion God feels for them. and i crave to share that love. it's hard to keep that love bottled up inside.
it's like this morning i realized this gift: my sensitive heart.
okay wait...this sarah hankins, miss hypersensitive, miss overly fragile, miss scared of emotional wounds, is saying that this sensitive heart is a gift?
yes.
for the first time in my entire life, i realize that yes, there is a reason i've been given such a gift.
God desires to pour out his love for those who've been wounded by His name, and He desires to do it through me.
the deeper i sense the love i have for them, the deeper his love is. layer after layer is pealed back, revealing a greater intimacy, a greater longing.
i feel so alive loving. i've been created, if only for this one purpose, to love. to love those that a lot of people have a hard time loving.
He's given me the gift, that it comes naturally. and maybe it hasn't always been this way. maybe as i grew deeper in intimacy with Him, He developed that part of my heart further.

maybe, looking back now, my time in colorado, learning love over love over love over love He poured out on it, it was all stretching my heart in order to pour out love over love over love of His on His wounded kids.

veanez told me the other day that she craves, she longs for the deep times spent in the seavey home.
my heart craves, longs, yearns for, relationship with these people

the more i realize how deep His love goes for them, the more i realize how deep His love is for me.
oh man!

and again, a sigh.
my back is warm against the couch cushions. my left hand sparkles blue with one of my small tokens of the symbols of His love. little birdies flit through the trees in the backyard. cindy, this moment right now, the quietness, the soaking it all in. this is how you teach me about the Holy Spirit.

and a quick tingle comes over my body, and another. and i don't want to move from this spot. because tomorrow morning, the clutter of my humanness will get in the way of this moment. afraid to move, afraid someone will step inside and break the stillness of the moment.

c.s. lewis talks about being surprised by joy. the deeper i go, the farther i press on, the more i endure, the longer my moments of joy last. this might be my longest yet.

and just when you think you understand some facet of the folds of Him, you're struck dumb, wrapped up in an even deeper layer you never knew existed.
at first you think, 'why didn't you give me time to prepare?'

and then it doesn't matter. because being unprepared is what makes it so overwhelming
and all that's missing in this moment is a little nudge in the armpit from penny's cold wet nose, asking for a hug