i'm back, but i can't guarantee for how long

dear mr. blog:
i don't hate you
it's crazy to think about how much time we've spent apart lately.
i miss the good ole days in colorado where i had free time just around every corner (as well as a wet little doggie nose for my constant companion)
life lately...i can't sum it up in words. maybe that's why i've been avoiding you.
i feel like i haven't taken time lately to just...be me.
to just sit and enjoy living.
don't get me wrong. i love the life i live and i'm enjoying it.
but it's like the days aren't long enough.
and i have all these responsibilities.
as soon as one is through with, there pops up another.
and i don't want to be responsible.
i just want to be selfish and live life for me all suck all the marrow out of it.
that's really what i want.
bu that's not what's been asked of me.
i told ben last night that i enjoy having this purpose every day, that i am responsible to another person. it keeps me in check. i can't just live life selfishly.
but i miss it.
let's think about it. in colorado, i loved it. i was responsible to no one (except my dogs i fostered).
i could go where i wanted, dependent on no one else.
i seem to have lost that here.
and i don't think that's a bad thing. it's probably a good thing, because in two and a half months from now, for the rest of my life, no matter what happens, i am no longer just myself.
i am half of a couple.
more so than i am now.
and that means, i have to give up being selfish.
but i miss it so much.
driving where i want to go because i want to.
eating schauss and sipping coffee and reading lord of the rings all afternoon, just because i want to.
talking to anyone, making friends anywhere, just because i love to.
spending the afternoons with penny in the car, bonking her head every time i take a turn :)
(maybe that's why she is ditzy)
my sister told me that one of the awesome things about marriage is because you realize you are selfish in ways you never knew, and you can address them.
it's like this mirror that shows you what you need to work on.
but this mirror loves you and accepts you even though you aren't what you might want to be just yet.
man it's crazy...to realize what this marriage really is going to be.
God is calling me to something so much greater than myself.
i don't even have to overspiritualize things to realize that my primary commitment, service and sacrifice is to ben.
as a kid who grew up believing it was impossible to love God and a man at the same time, this makes itself a beautiful revelation.
the task God has called me to is the primary care of a man. of a man who loves me. of a man who understands me. of a man who knows me. of a man who presses my buttons just because he likes to see me get angry. of a man who i respect.

and he trusts me with his heart.
man.
this is an incredible responsibility. and guess what? i'll probably screw it up a little bit.
but you know what's wonderful?
he's not expecting me to do it perfectly.
ben trusts me with his heart, knowing i won't always go easy.
he gives it to me, even though he knows i'm going to hurt him.
he still gives it to me.
man, it's like...Jesus chose to give himself up, he entrusted his heart to people he knew would never accept him. He gave himself up, totally vulnerable in front of a world full of people who would reject it.
i don't believe he stood there self-righteously, snickering "well, fine then. i shake my feet of your dust, and i'll watch you cough on it"

o, no. he gave it all though he knew we would break it up, toss it around, let it slip, temporarily let go, purposefully crush it.

man...i'm so glad that i'm love by a man and a God, the love from both is the same love, expressed directly, and indirectly, all coming from the same place.