man is a giddy thing

i find it interesting that after knowing ben's parents for 7 years and living with them for one, my mother in law would tell me she was surprised that i was such a sensitive person.
she said that i'm so outgoing that it seems strange that the two would go together.

truthfully, i'm terrified of rejection. i don't know if it's just in this last year, since i've become an adult and realized that there is pain in the world, or if it's been my whole life.
i would probably say my whole life.
it's one thing to know you are sensitive.
it's another thing to be reminded of it every time you have a reaction to something.
and you know that reminded may really be a reminder, but it somehow feels like an accusation.

"you are different, and it's wrong. become like me.
no one has ever said this to me.

but of course, i internalize everything. in my head, this is what i hear.
it's hard to be this way.

one of my dear friends told me that my sensitive heart is a gift. some days i have a hard time believing that.
i want to believe it. i want to believe it is a good thing, and that God uses it to bless people.

but some days i just have a hard time believing it. all those "reminders" come up like rough finernails, picking old scabs raw. but if i tell you that it hurt when you told me that, i'm just feeding this idea of yours that there is something wrong with me.

now, ben is very different than me in this aspect. even though he is more introverted, he doesn't struggle with this. i can tell we are growing though, because somehow this sensitivity has become less of a problem. walls are being broken in this relationship, i am becoming more trusting, he is becoming more patient, more understanding.

but it's one thing to do that with one person. it's taken so long to work on this. now i have to learn to do that with countless others? seems like a mountain far too high for me to ever reach the top.

you know why i'm writing this in my blog right? because if i told it to someone's face, it would never come out. i would be terrified of how you would take it. how you would react.

i realized, talking to my good friend the other night, all these things i've been thinking about marriage. i ended up telling her that i want to figure it all out now in order to protect myself from pain later. i'm actually trying to do something completely impossible, to protect myself from pain.

how is it possible that i can be so content with becoming uncomfortable (awkward situations, giving up personal luxury, having to trust God for food and money and not knowing what the next day holds or if i will make it to the airport in tel aviv to get back to costa rica)
but when it comes to pain, i do all that i can to get away from it.

have i been so badly hurt in my life that i run screaming if i can smell it coming? i have hardly anything to complain about in my life.

so what is it that makes me doubt myself when someone reacts a certain way? you know how people say "don't worry about what other people think"?
yeah i can't do that. what other people think means an incredible amount to me. partly because i know Who i represent and don't want to do that poorly
but partly because i'm scared of not being enough. what if you see me, really, i let myself be vulnerable with you and you hurt me?
what if i show you who i am and you don't like it?
what if i'm not enough?

that's the question i'm constantly asking myself. people say "it only matters what God thinks."
i know that essentially, that's true
but i don't think any human being could deny the desire to know they are valuable.
i think that's what God means when He said "i have put eternity into the hearts of all men"

it's this desire that leads me to Him.

i'm so thankful that after a life of struggling with this idea, this fear of not being enough, finally He has shown me that for Him, i am indeed enough.

finally i have at least that freedom, to be myself with Him. to trust Him. He is trust worthy. He has shown that to me full-well.

and now i'm putting this out here, my heart. this is probably the most i've put my heart out there. for the first time, i feel like i've actually said all that i want to say. and any one can read it. please, don't hurt it.

oh yeah, and when it comes to photography, i want to be good. i mean really good. i want to push myself, i want to be challenged. i don't want to settle. i want to be good. you know?

part of my Ansel Adams tribute